Too many autistic daughters are cast as difficult when they were simply trying to survive unsafe mothers. Lovette Jallow explored parentification, survival roles, and the journey toward self-rescue.
As someone who is neurodivergent but not autistic, I see a lot of parallels here with my own relationship with my mother. I don’t know if she’s neurodivergent, honestly. But the parentification and assuring her it was okay that I went through trauma bc of her? That hit home.
Unsurprisingly, I went no contact with my mother almost four years ago. I wish I’d done it sooner. The peace I have without her in my life is immeasurable.
Thank you for sharing this so openly. That line “assuring her it was okay I went through trauma because of her” is one I know too well. It’s such a quiet, haunting reversal of care, and so many of us were made to carry it. We also tend to carry it outside this caregiver relationship like it’s our job.
I’m glad you found your peace. No contact is often framed as extreme, but for many of us, it’s the first time we get to breathe on our own terms. I hear you, and I’m honored this resonated. You’re not alone either.
I think it’s important to be open about and share these sorts of things. The more often people do the easier it becomes for others to not only recognize trauma they have endured but to speak of it themselves, even if not publicly. Normalizing this sort of acknowledgment can really help people.
It does I notice people acting out when I started speaking on it and sad to say they were told to not speak and keep it in their journals. Silenced and I triggered them by speaking now they tell me why. Not that it was ever ok to attempt to silence me but I get it.
I will always march to my drum not harming anyone but my analysis and past healing belongs to me and we are too many out here for secrets of what we healed from.
This is an absolutely stunning piece. Thank you sharing this work. I am blown away by all you’ve incorporated, the clarity, and the wisdom. Impressive and deeply kind.
Thank you so much this means a lot. I write with bottom-up thinkers in mind, so when someone says the clarity and structure landed, it really stays with me. I try to hold both depth and accessibility in the same hand, and I’m glad it came through. I appreciate you taking the time to read and reflect with me. 🫱🏾🫲🏼🫶🏾
This is exactly what I needed to read. I’ve been feeling so much guilt and shame and have been seeing the recent estrangement as a sign of failure. But your words have reminded me of what I’ve always known to be true, particularIy now that I know I’m autistic. I need to be away from her to keep my peace 🙏🏼 thank you so much.
I’m really glad it reached you. That guilt is heavy and so often weaponized against us, especially when we start choosing peace over proximity. Knowing you’re autistic can bring so much clarity, but it can also surface layers of grief. You’re not failing. You’re listening to what’s true. And that’s powerful. I’m with you. 🙏🏾
I am PDA Autistic, ADHD, Dyspraxic and Profoundly Gifted. I am a truth teller and a kind soul and that was always a problem for my Mother. Your writing spoke deeply to me even though my ND came from my Father and not my Mother. She harmed me beyond belief and so by the time I cut contact I was deeply damaged. You speak to all of that and I would like to thank you for using the words to explain how people like me end up where we are.
What you’ve named—the tension between truth-telling, sensitivity, and being punished for both is something I carry too. It’s no small thing to recognize the damage and still hold onto that clarity.
Also, I relate deeply I’m demand avoidant as well, and I joke about it online because sometimes humor is the only way I can move through it without shutting down. There’s so much grief in these stories, but also solidarity. I’m really grateful this landed with you.
This was incredible. I could relate to so much of this and it felt very healing to hear this just now (the broken branch analogy especially 🥹). Left me with lots to think about too! 🙏🏽
Holy Moley. This is my life. I’d love to share this with someone in my life, but am estranged w family. I have an autistic daughter, so grateful I did the therapy to not pass on this crap before she was born. Now she only has to deal with the rest of the world. Like I do. What a world.
Beautifully written. I am ADHD/neurodivergent, and I agree with everything you wrote. I went no contact for more than two years with my mother to heal. It feels to me, at least, that these mothers use us as their scapegoat as they project on us everything they can't face within themselves.
Thoroughly unsure if I have autism but my mom always says she thinks I do. Anyways I found this very relatable as I am navigating a strange relationship with my mother who also did not raise me. My first thought is to send this to her as she always reads everything I send to her but she typically takes things like this very personal and so it makes these conversations hard. Anyways, thanks for this.
Thank you so much for this. My life has many parallels, I shall show this to my husband. My mother has been gone 30 years now. I wish she could have gotten help.
OMG Lovette. I will have to read this in small bites. This is so real and deep and true. Whew. I'm going to come back to this, but a couple paragraphs in and I have to go breathe and cry.
Your writing! I feel decades of being alone with this falling away. Thank you. I am one year and two weeks totally estranged from my mother. I wish every day for a way to connect with her that was safe for both of us.
every line in this piece is like a drop of water in a desert. too close too home. it’s something I’ve started working on the past year at 40years old, and it’s though work but very worth it. even though i’ve been making progress, part of me still feels guilt for “abandoning” my mother. it’s such a sneaky feeling that I only see how nefarious it is when I say it out loud. your text was everything people like need to hear. very reassuring. thank you 💚
I’ve worked hard over my lifetime to try and understand my relationship with my mother. It’s been a relationship fraught with her severe criticisms and judgment. It wasn’t until she suffered a stroke with significant memory loss 5 years ago that I was able to take a deep breath.
Those 5 years ended up being a gift to me as she regressed to a sweet and gentle, more childlike person. During that time she held my hand, told me how proud she was of all I had accomplished, and thanked me for being such a loving daughter. I took her to lunch each week and oversaw her caregivers and health care. She passed away last September.
Interestingly, it wasn’t until I started studying psychology, and learned what it meant to be identified as an INFJ, that I came to fully appreciate myself. Yes, I could readily acknowledge my accomplishments. But is quite another thing entirely to fully embrace oneself.
My adult life has been lived at the periphery my family. Members were either in her favor or ostracized. Thankfully, I have a fulfilling life with a loving partner, and a therapy practice where I help young INFJ’s and highly sensitive folks learn to thrive. Part of that service includes helping parents to truly see and appreciate their child, and more effectively respond to them.
The work you do in the world is a blessing. Thank you for your service, insight, and for writing this compassionate piece. I will be sharing it with my young adult clients.
This is well written and perceptive, Thankyou
Thank you! I cut out so much but I will turn it int other helpful snippets some day. 🫶🏾✨
Beautifully written, constructed and heart-fully shared. Thank you
Thank you ever so much 🫶🏾🙏🏾
As someone who is neurodivergent but not autistic, I see a lot of parallels here with my own relationship with my mother. I don’t know if she’s neurodivergent, honestly. But the parentification and assuring her it was okay that I went through trauma bc of her? That hit home.
Unsurprisingly, I went no contact with my mother almost four years ago. I wish I’d done it sooner. The peace I have without her in my life is immeasurable.
Thank you for sharing this so openly. That line “assuring her it was okay I went through trauma because of her” is one I know too well. It’s such a quiet, haunting reversal of care, and so many of us were made to carry it. We also tend to carry it outside this caregiver relationship like it’s our job.
I’m glad you found your peace. No contact is often framed as extreme, but for many of us, it’s the first time we get to breathe on our own terms. I hear you, and I’m honored this resonated. You’re not alone either.
I think it’s important to be open about and share these sorts of things. The more often people do the easier it becomes for others to not only recognize trauma they have endured but to speak of it themselves, even if not publicly. Normalizing this sort of acknowledgment can really help people.
It does I notice people acting out when I started speaking on it and sad to say they were told to not speak and keep it in their journals. Silenced and I triggered them by speaking now they tell me why. Not that it was ever ok to attempt to silence me but I get it.
I will always march to my drum not harming anyone but my analysis and past healing belongs to me and we are too many out here for secrets of what we healed from.
This is an absolutely stunning piece. Thank you sharing this work. I am blown away by all you’ve incorporated, the clarity, and the wisdom. Impressive and deeply kind.
Thank you so much this means a lot. I write with bottom-up thinkers in mind, so when someone says the clarity and structure landed, it really stays with me. I try to hold both depth and accessibility in the same hand, and I’m glad it came through. I appreciate you taking the time to read and reflect with me. 🫱🏾🫲🏼🫶🏾
I think you are wise, experienced and talented. It comes through.
This is exactly what I needed to read. I’ve been feeling so much guilt and shame and have been seeing the recent estrangement as a sign of failure. But your words have reminded me of what I’ve always known to be true, particularIy now that I know I’m autistic. I need to be away from her to keep my peace 🙏🏼 thank you so much.
I’m really glad it reached you. That guilt is heavy and so often weaponized against us, especially when we start choosing peace over proximity. Knowing you’re autistic can bring so much clarity, but it can also surface layers of grief. You’re not failing. You’re listening to what’s true. And that’s powerful. I’m with you. 🙏🏾
I am PDA Autistic, ADHD, Dyspraxic and Profoundly Gifted. I am a truth teller and a kind soul and that was always a problem for my Mother. Your writing spoke deeply to me even though my ND came from my Father and not my Mother. She harmed me beyond belief and so by the time I cut contact I was deeply damaged. You speak to all of that and I would like to thank you for using the words to explain how people like me end up where we are.
What you’ve named—the tension between truth-telling, sensitivity, and being punished for both is something I carry too. It’s no small thing to recognize the damage and still hold onto that clarity.
Also, I relate deeply I’m demand avoidant as well, and I joke about it online because sometimes humor is the only way I can move through it without shutting down. There’s so much grief in these stories, but also solidarity. I’m really grateful this landed with you.
This was incredible. I could relate to so much of this and it felt very healing to hear this just now (the broken branch analogy especially 🥹). Left me with lots to think about too! 🙏🏽
That is balm to my writers heart. Thank YOU 🫶🏾🫂
This AuDHD girl is in tears over here feeling so seen... 🥹
Brilliant work!
Holy Moley. This is my life. I’d love to share this with someone in my life, but am estranged w family. I have an autistic daughter, so grateful I did the therapy to not pass on this crap before she was born. Now she only has to deal with the rest of the world. Like I do. What a world.
Beautifully written. I am ADHD/neurodivergent, and I agree with everything you wrote. I went no contact for more than two years with my mother to heal. It feels to me, at least, that these mothers use us as their scapegoat as they project on us everything they can't face within themselves.
Thoroughly unsure if I have autism but my mom always says she thinks I do. Anyways I found this very relatable as I am navigating a strange relationship with my mother who also did not raise me. My first thought is to send this to her as she always reads everything I send to her but she typically takes things like this very personal and so it makes these conversations hard. Anyways, thanks for this.
Thank you so much for this. My life has many parallels, I shall show this to my husband. My mother has been gone 30 years now. I wish she could have gotten help.
OMG Lovette. I will have to read this in small bites. This is so real and deep and true. Whew. I'm going to come back to this, but a couple paragraphs in and I have to go breathe and cry.
Your writing! I feel decades of being alone with this falling away. Thank you. I am one year and two weeks totally estranged from my mother. I wish every day for a way to connect with her that was safe for both of us.
every line in this piece is like a drop of water in a desert. too close too home. it’s something I’ve started working on the past year at 40years old, and it’s though work but very worth it. even though i’ve been making progress, part of me still feels guilt for “abandoning” my mother. it’s such a sneaky feeling that I only see how nefarious it is when I say it out loud. your text was everything people like need to hear. very reassuring. thank you 💚
I’ve worked hard over my lifetime to try and understand my relationship with my mother. It’s been a relationship fraught with her severe criticisms and judgment. It wasn’t until she suffered a stroke with significant memory loss 5 years ago that I was able to take a deep breath.
Those 5 years ended up being a gift to me as she regressed to a sweet and gentle, more childlike person. During that time she held my hand, told me how proud she was of all I had accomplished, and thanked me for being such a loving daughter. I took her to lunch each week and oversaw her caregivers and health care. She passed away last September.
Interestingly, it wasn’t until I started studying psychology, and learned what it meant to be identified as an INFJ, that I came to fully appreciate myself. Yes, I could readily acknowledge my accomplishments. But is quite another thing entirely to fully embrace oneself.
My adult life has been lived at the periphery my family. Members were either in her favor or ostracized. Thankfully, I have a fulfilling life with a loving partner, and a therapy practice where I help young INFJ’s and highly sensitive folks learn to thrive. Part of that service includes helping parents to truly see and appreciate their child, and more effectively respond to them.
The work you do in the world is a blessing. Thank you for your service, insight, and for writing this compassionate piece. I will be sharing it with my young adult clients.