Struggling with emotional boundaries in friendships? Learn how to practice co-regulation without absorbing emotions, apply the 10:2 rule, and maintain supportive, healthy friendships without burnout.
I often come up blank when I ponder on the question what would I tell my younger self. Now that I have read this piece, I know that I would send this post to my younger self and make her read it. And also explain to her what emotional regulation is.
I've been moved by this post and I have it saved. Thank you.
😂 You are such a beautiful soul. I'm staying up late reading your work and now stumbled on to your YouTube...! It really draws me in. Your words and energy are amazing. Thank you for sharing your gift with us. Not all your gifts of course 😉 but I certainly appreciate what you do share!
I relate to this so much as I've been carrying the emotional load for family and friends for a very long time and I keep burning out and then regaining my energy only to do it all over again. I was beginning to wonder if I was alone in this and finding your work and reading your newsletters has really helped me gain a better understanding of hos I relate with the world. Thank you 😊
There’s definitely levels to this and what youve said here is a great primer for most modern ppl who are trapped in “colonizer materialism brain”. Myself, i had to go even deeper, dig out the roots of why some ppls karma is about playing co-dependency addiction games internally. The collective, our shared ancestors, definitely have some unresolved shit and it shows up as these extreme emotional habits.
Absolutely—there are deep layers to how we relate, and the ancestral imprinting is real. But I want to be clear: what I’m speaking to isn’t about unresolved karma or universal emotional habits. It’s about lived, material realities—especially for Black women navigating structural harm who’ve had to coregulate for survival, not just preference.
I’m not advocating indiscriminate co-dependence. I’m talking about intentional, reciprocal coregulation with vetted people I consider community not strangers, not followers, not whoever wants access. That distinction matters.
This isn’t spiritual bypassing or generalizing the collective. It’s anti-colonial, trauma-informed, and rooted in community ethics. Not everyone is owed that access and that’s the boundary.
You can read more in my neurodivergence in pre colonial Africa post and matriarchy to understand my spirituality in community. I am consistent if anything.
Lived material realities and the intangible are related, not separate. Theres no need to spiritually bypass when one doesn’t separate the material from the immaterial.
And i didn’t think you were advocating co-dependence at all. Perhaps these conversations cannot be had digitally. Too much misunderstanding.
Absolutely thank you for that clarification. I agree that lived and intangible realities coexist and inform one another. I also appreciate that you didn’t interpret my stance as advocating co-dependence. These conversations are layered, and digital space can flatten nuance. But I respect the spirit in which you engaged and I’m always open to ongoing dialogue rooted in integrity.
And now that I have finished reading…and am crying with relief and feeling Seen…I wanted to clarify why I am so emotional about this article. I am incapable of identifying for myself things such as - tense stomach when someone reaches out because they will drain me - I don’t ever see those things to be able to articulate them for Self. My brainwashing was so deep, I am only able to see those kinds of things being done to other people - and not when they’re being done to me. It’s the greatest gift to have someone show me where I am blinded and how to correct something that has caused so much distress in life. It’s been impossible trying to fix it all by myself. Thank you for the lesson. I needed this.
I’ll do a voice podcast when energy allows on alexithymia and how, as an autistic person, you can give yourself time to feel bodily responses and take space before answering. This isn’t about setting boundaries—that’s a different challenge for us. This is about allowing yourself to say, ‘I don’t know, I won’t know, and that’s okay. And everyone will be okay with me not knowing.’ That way, your stomach won’t knot up because you’re not forcing an answer, a response, or a feeling. Just autistically be.
We are valid and on our own time and processing never to be rushed. ❤️
I wasn’t going to read this because my reaction to the title was “I am autistic and cannot NOT absorb everyone’s emotions”…then I read until I saw your note about autism. And had to immediately comment: Now I am going to use this for my own regulation - because I have to avoid people now in order to avoid my own meltdowns. It’s been crippling. I had the same childhood…except as an autistic with ADHD…so I wasn’t able to find self-regulation as you did. Thank you. So much. I’m about to turn 54…thank you. I absolutely am the One who needed this. Thank you.
I absolutely spent love and energy writing this as I myself am autistic and spent my whole life absorbing everyone I loved and many who didnt love me much i later realised 😔 energies. Co regulating because I do it very well because i care alot about how people feel and want even the angriest people to come down to two.
Unfortunately it hurt me and I am still recovering some days unable to do much. I wanted to put this out there for people like you. Energy is precious. Safeguard it.
Thank you for this! I love the 10:2 ratio, it really helps to have numbers in my head and an easy reference to follow when I’m starting to want to fix other’s problems and give them relief. As a child I felt like everything was my fault and I then absorbed everything.
I’m so glad this resonated with you Lisa! The 10:2 ratio really helps take the emotional out of the reactive and turns regulation into a tangible process. If you were conditioned to absorb everything as a child, it makes sense that breaking that habit feels like unlearning survival itself. But you don’t have to hold what was never yours to carry.
Wishing you a day filled with ease & self-regulation. Much ❤️ back to you!
I often come up blank when I ponder on the question what would I tell my younger self. Now that I have read this piece, I know that I would send this post to my younger self and make her read it. And also explain to her what emotional regulation is.
I've been moved by this post and I have it saved. Thank you.
Who sent you to make the inside of my house rain? Cos my eyes are kinda wet… ok am gonna go fix that leak okay. Thanks 😭 🩷🫂
😂 You are such a beautiful soul. I'm staying up late reading your work and now stumbled on to your YouTube...! It really draws me in. Your words and energy are amazing. Thank you for sharing your gift with us. Not all your gifts of course 😉 but I certainly appreciate what you do share!
I relate to this so much as I've been carrying the emotional load for family and friends for a very long time and I keep burning out and then regaining my energy only to do it all over again. I was beginning to wonder if I was alone in this and finding your work and reading your newsletters has really helped me gain a better understanding of hos I relate with the world. Thank you 😊
Thank you for this. ❤️
There’s definitely levels to this and what youve said here is a great primer for most modern ppl who are trapped in “colonizer materialism brain”. Myself, i had to go even deeper, dig out the roots of why some ppls karma is about playing co-dependency addiction games internally. The collective, our shared ancestors, definitely have some unresolved shit and it shows up as these extreme emotional habits.
Absolutely—there are deep layers to how we relate, and the ancestral imprinting is real. But I want to be clear: what I’m speaking to isn’t about unresolved karma or universal emotional habits. It’s about lived, material realities—especially for Black women navigating structural harm who’ve had to coregulate for survival, not just preference.
I’m not advocating indiscriminate co-dependence. I’m talking about intentional, reciprocal coregulation with vetted people I consider community not strangers, not followers, not whoever wants access. That distinction matters.
This isn’t spiritual bypassing or generalizing the collective. It’s anti-colonial, trauma-informed, and rooted in community ethics. Not everyone is owed that access and that’s the boundary.
You can read more in my neurodivergence in pre colonial Africa post and matriarchy to understand my spirituality in community. I am consistent if anything.
Lived material realities and the intangible are related, not separate. Theres no need to spiritually bypass when one doesn’t separate the material from the immaterial.
And i didn’t think you were advocating co-dependence at all. Perhaps these conversations cannot be had digitally. Too much misunderstanding.
Absolutely thank you for that clarification. I agree that lived and intangible realities coexist and inform one another. I also appreciate that you didn’t interpret my stance as advocating co-dependence. These conversations are layered, and digital space can flatten nuance. But I respect the spirit in which you engaged and I’m always open to ongoing dialogue rooted in integrity.
I pray I never lose this piece. So beautiful and well needed. Bless you!
Thank you so much for reading 🫶🏾✨
And now that I have finished reading…and am crying with relief and feeling Seen…I wanted to clarify why I am so emotional about this article. I am incapable of identifying for myself things such as - tense stomach when someone reaches out because they will drain me - I don’t ever see those things to be able to articulate them for Self. My brainwashing was so deep, I am only able to see those kinds of things being done to other people - and not when they’re being done to me. It’s the greatest gift to have someone show me where I am blinded and how to correct something that has caused so much distress in life. It’s been impossible trying to fix it all by myself. Thank you for the lesson. I needed this.
I’ll do a voice podcast when energy allows on alexithymia and how, as an autistic person, you can give yourself time to feel bodily responses and take space before answering. This isn’t about setting boundaries—that’s a different challenge for us. This is about allowing yourself to say, ‘I don’t know, I won’t know, and that’s okay. And everyone will be okay with me not knowing.’ That way, your stomach won’t knot up because you’re not forcing an answer, a response, or a feeling. Just autistically be.
We are valid and on our own time and processing never to be rushed. ❤️
I wasn’t going to read this because my reaction to the title was “I am autistic and cannot NOT absorb everyone’s emotions”…then I read until I saw your note about autism. And had to immediately comment: Now I am going to use this for my own regulation - because I have to avoid people now in order to avoid my own meltdowns. It’s been crippling. I had the same childhood…except as an autistic with ADHD…so I wasn’t able to find self-regulation as you did. Thank you. So much. I’m about to turn 54…thank you. I absolutely am the One who needed this. Thank you.
Aww 🫂 hugs
I absolutely spent love and energy writing this as I myself am autistic and spent my whole life absorbing everyone I loved and many who didnt love me much i later realised 😔 energies. Co regulating because I do it very well because i care alot about how people feel and want even the angriest people to come down to two.
Unfortunately it hurt me and I am still recovering some days unable to do much. I wanted to put this out there for people like you. Energy is precious. Safeguard it.
Wow this is so incredible I really learned a lot and resonated with so much of it. Thank you for sharing!!
I’m so glad it resonated with you! Appreciate you taking the time to read and support—means a lot. 💜
Thank you for writing this 🫶🏿
Thank you for reading ❤️
Thank you for this! I love the 10:2 ratio, it really helps to have numbers in my head and an easy reference to follow when I’m starting to want to fix other’s problems and give them relief. As a child I felt like everything was my fault and I then absorbed everything.
Keeping this article for future reference.
Have a wonderful day and much ❤️❤️❤️ to you.
I’m so glad this resonated with you Lisa! The 10:2 ratio really helps take the emotional out of the reactive and turns regulation into a tangible process. If you were conditioned to absorb everything as a child, it makes sense that breaking that habit feels like unlearning survival itself. But you don’t have to hold what was never yours to carry.
Wishing you a day filled with ease & self-regulation. Much ❤️ back to you!