Lovette Jallow dismantles the overused phrase “hurt people hurt people,” weaving personal stories, survivor insight, and structural critique into one unflinching essay.
Okay, I read through this a second time about 24 hours after reading it for the first time & honestly this resonates with me so SO much.
I've read just a bit of what you've overall written & I'm relating to so much, I'm beginning to wonder where you kept the secret cameras that have been watching me my whole life! 🤣 But seriously, you've given me the language to explain how I think & feel for the first time ever. I feel much less confused since I began reading your writing.
What you say about hurt branches, I think I'm definitely in the messy stage right now & I've never wanted to pass my pain onto anyone else, as far as I'm concerned, it ends with me.
I understand what it takes to go to the police about being abused, it was something I had to do at 11, nearly 12 years old. I still remember the feeling in my stomach from that day & it's more than 30 years ago now. I see your bravery ❤️
Oh and the same song playing repeatedly & watching Buffy? So me! I've watched Buffy so many times, I wore out my VHS cassettes!
I'm glad I waited until today to read this Lovette, I'm gonna sit with what you've said for a bit & then come back to you. I want to give this the response it deserves, but wow. Thank you ❤️
Thank you. This piece helped me cry which was probably needed. Unidentified Feelings Occurring (my UFO's) are as always confusing and unhelpful. This helped quite a bit with putting words to it.
I love reading your work and thank you SO much for this one. And honestly that goes for so many of you other writings as Ive missed making time to comment. This piece will help me back to seeking EMDR, when I spoke to the practitioner about 2yrs ago for a short consultation she named over 8 acute ptsds. And maybe this healing practice will help me in the same way or in some way to obtain healing. Thank you for showing up, help and continuing to build and be an outlet for others, many hugs to you.
So well written. You're words hit me in a way that express my own lived experience, that I'm still processing. It truly helps me understand myself better. Thank you!
I feel blessed to have found your publication! I’m learning more about BW’s struggles and about my own trauma-brain as a neurodivergent woman. Thank you 🙏🏻
I have an obsession with dictators at the moment- learning as much as I can, trying to understand the time we are in. And one thing that frequently comes up is the dictator’s abusive childhood. Yet I’m far from the only person to say “yeah, but lots of people have horrible childhoods and don’t go on to kill millions.” So I read this knowing hurt wasn’t the answer but wondering what was.
Entitlement feels true. And it stands alone.
The entitled person doesn’t have to have been hurt. They don’t even have to fit a pattern of abuse to be harmful. I interact with entitled people in my work. They think they don’t need to pay their bill because it’s not that much they’ll get it later. Without equating their refusal to pay with theft. They will demand price breaks because “they bring so much business”. Without seeing how that argument harms everyone who has less money and must pay full price. They will declare someone needs to be fired for displeasing them. Without any thought to the trauma job loss, especially unfair job loss, gives a person.
Your essay lands with holy timing once again. Today I have revisited venues that harmed me and was reminded the gatekeepers remain. I took it in stride. I heard from a (new) victim of my domestic abuser and how often my name is in her mouth, despite more years apart now than we were together by almost double. I forged a bridge with the victim, made sure they were safe, and continued building the better world on my way home from work.
Harm is a choice. Help is a choice. Thank you for articulating why the trope of the inevitability of harm allows it to perpetuate. Thank you for your words, as always.
You are in Michigan I almost had a mini panic because someone who sparked the previous essays is from there and by Jove it was wild. Peoples behaviours and targets rarely change do they? Once you know the playbook you see how they move and trust your own instincts. Glad you helped the person and yes they will always orbit and keep speaking on you to rewrite the narrative instead of focusing on their healing which would greatly benefit them and anyone they come into contact with.
It would baffle me if they were one and the same. Let’s compare receipts! 😆
I’d rushed to the bottom to make my first comment, so struck by the timing of your essay. Sometimes coincidence is alignment.
Again you have said better, with more flourish and reasoning, than I have capacity for, and confirmed theories trends and gripes I’ve held. It is uncanny and delightful to feel seen and validated while allowed to expand in my thinking.
The ancestral piece is a point in the conversation folks often miss. I am simultaneously doing the work for my descendants *and* for the ones who left with unhealed trauma, who lived whole lives in the shadow of horrible acts and still made dinner, grew vegetables, wrenched engines. It’s a conversation between what has been, what is now, and what’s to come.
People have been doing me cos am doing a bit of a detour from regular content cos someone pissed me off and I have to kinda show the psychology of bullshitters for a couple of essays. But this is how my mind works. I have to show a pedagogy and use some lived experience to illustrate and show a little of my personal life far from 1% but those of you who have read my previous essays will know what’s good!
My brain does this sometimes. and spiritually someone out here needs to hear this. And know they either need to focus on healing or affirm they aren’t the problem.
This is so comprehensive and validating. I’ve worked with therapists practicing different modalities, most recently EMDR. It’s hard to access appointments here, but we have an opening on a wait list after months hoping to participate in more family wrap around care due to trauma that has really eclipsed all other experience. Especially relate to the idea of tone policing people in recovery from years of accommodating. We are done politely accepting abuse or gaslighting from anywhere. I wouldn’t have survived or have been able to access life saving care for my son without being assertive. His own pediatrician told me I would have to insist.
That’s where we find ourselves. On the cusp of survival having to justify(as with an abuser) to providers who take an oath to first do no harm. They have documented needs and referrals so there is movement. Still, care is difficult to access so the best we can do is move thru crisis waves without seeking emergency care because it’s often a more restrictive setting that disrupts routine which is not conducive to nervous system healing.
I see you have been through many many rounds of due diligence, seeking a safe landing where meaningful processing can happen.
And I’m reminded of the larger political and systemic implications. People are talking a lot about decorum in America right now because the fascist dehumanization of one party has no bottom. Bypassing allows others to remain in their comfort zones so the taboo can remain invisible. Taboos that discriminate against our well-being and ask us to be grateful while our lives are erased.
Just saying it aloud is qualified as subversive. It breaks the cycle of performance.
We don’t have to sink to their level. Yet. There is a necessary bluntness that needs to happen when our silence is misinterpreted as weakness or even a green light by predators.
And when the system itself forces us to wait until our lives our in danger to be recognized as eligible for care, then I remember what my somatic therapist affirmed regarding the setting of rigid boundaries. We get to. I can’t recall the number of times there was no follow up or I was told my sons suffering did not meet the level of acuity to treat him.
Not after he told his story. The fact that he’s here carrying it as an autistic teen is nothing short of a miracle. His affect and internalization allow others to dismiss his suffering. I have to fight to find support. Not ask politely. Literally over articulate. Brings receipts and quote code.
There have been many junctures where advocacy agencies have validated that this is by design. People get turned away. And they suffer is ways that sometimes become fatal.
Thank you also for reminding us that statistically, hurt people don’t hurt people. We are not destined to repeat patterns of abuse or addiction. In my experience the people who believe that, haven’t been in therapy so they disregard our personal work.
I’m not sorry for fighting. The system is brutal. I wouldn’t be here as a final girl if I hadn’t. Access to therapy protected my son’s childhood until and outside predator destroyed his relationship to his body and the world.
I’m not going to be silent about it so the most privileged can continue to comfortably erase people like us with eugenics policies.
Just...incredible... Thank you so much💜 you have put words to many resonances throughout your writing above. The articulation brings clarity. The clarity brings the light and love of hope🙏 Thank you🫶
Thank you! I had to cut nearly 1000 words off this essay because well… I have a lot more to say and people have limited time but it worked out in the end I think. I appreciate you feedback so much ✨🙏🏾
I felt so validated reading this piece. I’ve always hated how dismissive that phrase is. I’m a survivor of child abuse and have made great effort to ensure I do my best to not cause others pain, because I know what it feels like to be treated like your feelings don’t matter. And, being abused made me hyper-vigilant about the words I use to express myself. I’ve made great progress in how I handle conflict through intentional effort to heal, and I want others to do the same instead of justifying their behavior with ‘hurt people hurt people’.
Thank you for sharing this. That phrase has become a way for people to bypass accountability, especially when they’ve had the tools and support to choose otherwise. What you described intentionally pausing, choosing your words with care, learning how not to pass on what you’ve lived through is the kind of labor this culture rarely acknowledges. But it’s the real work. And you’re right: being hurt doesn’t entitle anyone to hurt others. It makes the decision not to even more powerful. I see your effort. I’m grateful you felt seen here.
Okay, I read through this a second time about 24 hours after reading it for the first time & honestly this resonates with me so SO much.
I've read just a bit of what you've overall written & I'm relating to so much, I'm beginning to wonder where you kept the secret cameras that have been watching me my whole life! 🤣 But seriously, you've given me the language to explain how I think & feel for the first time ever. I feel much less confused since I began reading your writing.
What you say about hurt branches, I think I'm definitely in the messy stage right now & I've never wanted to pass my pain onto anyone else, as far as I'm concerned, it ends with me.
I understand what it takes to go to the police about being abused, it was something I had to do at 11, nearly 12 years old. I still remember the feeling in my stomach from that day & it's more than 30 years ago now. I see your bravery ❤️
Oh and the same song playing repeatedly & watching Buffy? So me! I've watched Buffy so many times, I wore out my VHS cassettes!
I'm glad I waited until today to read this Lovette, I'm gonna sit with what you've said for a bit & then come back to you. I want to give this the response it deserves, but wow. Thank you ❤️
Thank you. This piece helped me cry which was probably needed. Unidentified Feelings Occurring (my UFO's) are as always confusing and unhelpful. This helped quite a bit with putting words to it.
I have those too alexithymia 💔 and crying is very healing for me even if in the moment I don’t know why I am crying. So thank you for sharing that 🩷✨
Honestly, same. I'm able to use it for good in my work (hospital work) but regulating once I'm home can be such a struggle. Triggering tears can help.
I love reading your work and thank you SO much for this one. And honestly that goes for so many of you other writings as Ive missed making time to comment. This piece will help me back to seeking EMDR, when I spoke to the practitioner about 2yrs ago for a short consultation she named over 8 acute ptsds. And maybe this healing practice will help me in the same way or in some way to obtain healing. Thank you for showing up, help and continuing to build and be an outlet for others, many hugs to you.
So well written. You're words hit me in a way that express my own lived experience, that I'm still processing. It truly helps me understand myself better. Thank you!
I feel blessed to have found your publication! I’m learning more about BW’s struggles and about my own trauma-brain as a neurodivergent woman. Thank you 🙏🏻
Yes!!! 💖
This really resonates, thank you 💖
Profound. Thank you!
I resonated so much with this piece in my current season of life. Thank you for your beautiful words and reflections <3
Entitlement. Of course.
I have an obsession with dictators at the moment- learning as much as I can, trying to understand the time we are in. And one thing that frequently comes up is the dictator’s abusive childhood. Yet I’m far from the only person to say “yeah, but lots of people have horrible childhoods and don’t go on to kill millions.” So I read this knowing hurt wasn’t the answer but wondering what was.
Entitlement feels true. And it stands alone.
The entitled person doesn’t have to have been hurt. They don’t even have to fit a pattern of abuse to be harmful. I interact with entitled people in my work. They think they don’t need to pay their bill because it’s not that much they’ll get it later. Without equating their refusal to pay with theft. They will demand price breaks because “they bring so much business”. Without seeing how that argument harms everyone who has less money and must pay full price. They will declare someone needs to be fired for displeasing them. Without any thought to the trauma job loss, especially unfair job loss, gives a person.
Entitlement. Of course.
Your essay lands with holy timing once again. Today I have revisited venues that harmed me and was reminded the gatekeepers remain. I took it in stride. I heard from a (new) victim of my domestic abuser and how often my name is in her mouth, despite more years apart now than we were together by almost double. I forged a bridge with the victim, made sure they were safe, and continued building the better world on my way home from work.
Harm is a choice. Help is a choice. Thank you for articulating why the trope of the inevitability of harm allows it to perpetuate. Thank you for your words, as always.
You are in Michigan I almost had a mini panic because someone who sparked the previous essays is from there and by Jove it was wild. Peoples behaviours and targets rarely change do they? Once you know the playbook you see how they move and trust your own instincts. Glad you helped the person and yes they will always orbit and keep speaking on you to rewrite the narrative instead of focusing on their healing which would greatly benefit them and anyone they come into contact with.
It would baffle me if they were one and the same. Let’s compare receipts! 😆
I’d rushed to the bottom to make my first comment, so struck by the timing of your essay. Sometimes coincidence is alignment.
Again you have said better, with more flourish and reasoning, than I have capacity for, and confirmed theories trends and gripes I’ve held. It is uncanny and delightful to feel seen and validated while allowed to expand in my thinking.
The ancestral piece is a point in the conversation folks often miss. I am simultaneously doing the work for my descendants *and* for the ones who left with unhealed trauma, who lived whole lives in the shadow of horrible acts and still made dinner, grew vegetables, wrenched engines. It’s a conversation between what has been, what is now, and what’s to come.
your essays always hit, but this one in particular was particularly resonant with my own journey. i am so grateful to be able to read what you write 🥰
People have been doing me cos am doing a bit of a detour from regular content cos someone pissed me off and I have to kinda show the psychology of bullshitters for a couple of essays. But this is how my mind works. I have to show a pedagogy and use some lived experience to illustrate and show a little of my personal life far from 1% but those of you who have read my previous essays will know what’s good!
My brain does this sometimes. and spiritually someone out here needs to hear this. And know they either need to focus on healing or affirm they aren’t the problem.
This is so comprehensive and validating. I’ve worked with therapists practicing different modalities, most recently EMDR. It’s hard to access appointments here, but we have an opening on a wait list after months hoping to participate in more family wrap around care due to trauma that has really eclipsed all other experience. Especially relate to the idea of tone policing people in recovery from years of accommodating. We are done politely accepting abuse or gaslighting from anywhere. I wouldn’t have survived or have been able to access life saving care for my son without being assertive. His own pediatrician told me I would have to insist.
That’s where we find ourselves. On the cusp of survival having to justify(as with an abuser) to providers who take an oath to first do no harm. They have documented needs and referrals so there is movement. Still, care is difficult to access so the best we can do is move thru crisis waves without seeking emergency care because it’s often a more restrictive setting that disrupts routine which is not conducive to nervous system healing.
I see you have been through many many rounds of due diligence, seeking a safe landing where meaningful processing can happen.
And I’m reminded of the larger political and systemic implications. People are talking a lot about decorum in America right now because the fascist dehumanization of one party has no bottom. Bypassing allows others to remain in their comfort zones so the taboo can remain invisible. Taboos that discriminate against our well-being and ask us to be grateful while our lives are erased.
Just saying it aloud is qualified as subversive. It breaks the cycle of performance.
We don’t have to sink to their level. Yet. There is a necessary bluntness that needs to happen when our silence is misinterpreted as weakness or even a green light by predators.
And when the system itself forces us to wait until our lives our in danger to be recognized as eligible for care, then I remember what my somatic therapist affirmed regarding the setting of rigid boundaries. We get to. I can’t recall the number of times there was no follow up or I was told my sons suffering did not meet the level of acuity to treat him.
Not after he told his story. The fact that he’s here carrying it as an autistic teen is nothing short of a miracle. His affect and internalization allow others to dismiss his suffering. I have to fight to find support. Not ask politely. Literally over articulate. Brings receipts and quote code.
There have been many junctures where advocacy agencies have validated that this is by design. People get turned away. And they suffer is ways that sometimes become fatal.
Thank you also for reminding us that statistically, hurt people don’t hurt people. We are not destined to repeat patterns of abuse or addiction. In my experience the people who believe that, haven’t been in therapy so they disregard our personal work.
I’m not sorry for fighting. The system is brutal. I wouldn’t be here as a final girl if I hadn’t. Access to therapy protected my son’s childhood until and outside predator destroyed his relationship to his body and the world.
I’m not going to be silent about it so the most privileged can continue to comfortably erase people like us with eugenics policies.
Just...incredible... Thank you so much💜 you have put words to many resonances throughout your writing above. The articulation brings clarity. The clarity brings the light and love of hope🙏 Thank you🫶
Thank you! I had to cut nearly 1000 words off this essay because well… I have a lot more to say and people have limited time but it worked out in the end I think. I appreciate you feedback so much ✨🙏🏾
I felt so validated reading this piece. I’ve always hated how dismissive that phrase is. I’m a survivor of child abuse and have made great effort to ensure I do my best to not cause others pain, because I know what it feels like to be treated like your feelings don’t matter. And, being abused made me hyper-vigilant about the words I use to express myself. I’ve made great progress in how I handle conflict through intentional effort to heal, and I want others to do the same instead of justifying their behavior with ‘hurt people hurt people’.
Thank you for sharing this. That phrase has become a way for people to bypass accountability, especially when they’ve had the tools and support to choose otherwise. What you described intentionally pausing, choosing your words with care, learning how not to pass on what you’ve lived through is the kind of labor this culture rarely acknowledges. But it’s the real work. And you’re right: being hurt doesn’t entitle anyone to hurt others. It makes the decision not to even more powerful. I see your effort. I’m grateful you felt seen here.
Thank you 💜
I love your writing and how you make me think!
Thank you so much! 🙏🏾✨