“Some of you aren’t parenting. You’re reenacting your own chaos with smaller, more vulnerable witnesses.”This is for the childfree people who recognize harm because we lived it. And for the ones grieving friendships that ask us to stay silent about what we survived.
This opened up an entire can of worms for me. I was a godmother at 14 years old. I was the mother’s sister’s best friend and the young mother’s teammate on a basketball team. Whew most of that experience mirrored my own. Then I became a mother and I got so much wrong because of my own trauma and so much right because of my own trauma. More than anything, being a mother, especially a single one was much harder than I thought when my attempts to do it right was met with so much rebuke. I felt like I was reading my own life. And I am guilty of ignoring friends who treated their children with contempt. What I was not guilty of was being a part of my teenage friends’ village. I loved where they couldnt. I worked to combat rejection and abandonment by being present. My best friend didnt want to be a teenage mother, she wanted to abort and her mother said, “no.” The result another traumatized little girl wondering why her mother couldn’t love her. There’s more, but I wanted to take a pause from my day and say. Brava! This brought healing to my soul.
Thank you for this essay, and for being such a fierce advocate for vulnerable people. As a new mother trying to unravel her own childhood trauma, thank you. As a child who felt unseen and gaslit growing up, thank you. I wish more people would question default parenting behavior - so much of it is unhelpful at best, and extremely harmful at its worst.
I didn’t feel like a good person when it happened. I didn’t feel like a good friend, or a good advocate.
I understand now that being the one who speaks up doesn’t come with a sense of relief. It doesn’t feel noble. Even if the parent remembers me years later when their child brings it up. Even if the child remembers that someone said something. That someone saw them and thought they were worth protecting.
We remember those people, don’t we? Even if they leave. Because their presence gave us a map. A reminder that we, too, can leave when we’re grown.
It took me a long time to process this. And even now, I haven’t said everything. But in sharing, I hope the mothers who want better for themselves and their children feel less alone. And for the friends I lost along the way, I’ve gained a few on here who read who hold me in their minds when their own trauma begins to seep through. As if I’m their friend. Watching. And I am.
It's already hard when it's a friend but when it's a family member... I'm staying in the relationship to be a witness for the kids. So their parent won't have the opportunity to gaslight them when they grow up and ask for accountability.
I stay in neither I do my best say my peace but spaces that aren’t good for my mental health demand my exit. I can be a witness from the outside staying in contact doesn’t help anyone I find it didn’t save me as a kid it destroyed the adults who stayed. One bad egg has a way of corrupting the others in the same box and normalising what shouldn’t be.
As a childfree school counselor with childhood trauma, I felt this. It was like the adults in the room that were supposed to protect these children decided not to because the child's parents were rich, because I didn't have children so didn't know what I was talking about, or because of politics. It is demoralizing and a huge reason I don't work with kids anymore. Not because of the kids, because of the parents and the other adults.
Kids matter immensely. For me this is the way forward. I must relate to kids differently with care & reverence if we want to create/nurture a better future. That means challenging ourselves to move beyond the environment our caregivers created for us, esp. When you grew up with emotionally unavailable and immature caregivers. I certainly see the importance of that with my niece and nephew...and having amazing women who have love their kids fiercely enough to create a better world for them than what they were given. It is inspiring. Thank you again for your allowing us to witness your process.
My heart goes out to you in your experience and thank you for your openness. You are doing a great service to all of us by offering a place to digest the ways we have been harmed and how we harm our babies. May we all learn how to heal!
Thank you for tackling this tender and difficult topic. I was an emotionally immature parent, barely navigating my own adulthood while raising a child. Today I am still repairing with my way grown son, and the process often leaves both of us in cleansing tears. I honestly can’t say for sure what I would have done if a friend had expressed to me what they saw as my problematic behavior. I felt so totally unsupported as a mother in those days, I think if I had been approached with kindness and a sense of care it would have sparked relief rather than defense, but that never happened. I do know I often felt like I was drowning in guilt for not knowing how to be a good mother. That sent me into therapy at age 21. Therapy back then was even more lacking than it is today. But to have had a friend who cared enough to try would have been a true blessing.
I am estranged with my mom after years of parenting her. Before that I asked her “if you had a friend like me would you have stepped up?” She looked at me and sad eyes said “even seeing how you are with your friends, I doubt I would have appreciated you or your help or listened”
Most honest thing she could have said to free me. It meant in the midst of trying to repair with her she most likely wouldn’t have been able to see me or ever will. I say this to say many wish for a mother that perhaps is like you accountable and participating in the healing journey.
Thank you for sharing with so much honesty. What you’ve described is the heart of what I hoped to hold space for, how many parents were navigating their own unmet needs while raising children. The fact that you’re still showing up, still repairing, still open that’s everything.
It means a lot to hear this from someone on the other side of the experience. And I truly believe that kind, honest witnessing if it can be offered safely can sometimes be the thing that breaks isolation, not trust. You put words to that beautifully. 🙏🏾🩷
This essay hits deep. Growing and regulating is so critical. It is still a constant growth aspect for me. Your articles often encourage me to continue becoming the best version of me. Thank you, Lovette.
I had to write it today after a conversation with a friend where step parents came up and I wonder why people date parents with kids and despise the kids. Then when we grow up think we don’t remember. And I know I remind my friends to be nice to step kids because I was that kid.
Then I asked myself why do I care about my friends being good parents and it all unfurled. Kids matter and no one knows this more than those of us who know how fragile they are. We love those little menaces. And we love our friends enough to want them to be their best versions or we wouldn’t say a word.
Yes! I feel this so much. And even as a parent of one child (I found out later in life that I’m AuDHD and my son also has ADHD) I’ve worked so hard to heal from my trauma and not pass it on to my kid. But seeing that in other parents that are my friends is so heartbreaking. I’m grateful for people like you that are a safe place for kids and I am speaking up and doing that too. Some of my friends are stepping up and healing and some are not, in my circle the hetero men tend to be the ones holding back the most from healing and I already see their kids pulling away from them. Anyway thanks for putting all of this into words! It’s so helpful.
Thank you for this and for doing the work while parenting. That’s no small thing.
I know how heavy it is to see the harm repeating around you, especially when you’ve fought so hard to break the cycle. Being a safe place for kids takes intention, and it’s clear you’re showing up with that.
And yes the pattern with hetero men not doing the healing? I see it too. I wrote about it in my essay “why married men expect everyone else to do their emotional labour” and their kids feel it, even if no one names it. I’m glad you’re naming it. I’m right there with you.
Lovette, do you have any books or memoir in English? I would love to read long forms of your work but noticed they’re in Swedish or geered towards that audience. And if not, those of us (me) would love to get lost in a book of yours!!!
Thank you so much that means a lot. I’m actually considering how to release some of my translated work soon. No memoirs yet my life is too long and layered for just one book. But I’m thinking deeply about the format, and your message is a gentle nudge in the right direction.
This one is good! I’ve had accountability talks with people and it’s always “you’re not a parent I’m not listening to you”. Yes I’m not a parent, but I was once a child who has a very broken relationship with my mother. Great post!
Lovette, it is your writing I constantly seek, your writing that I save to read later. I recognise myself and others so clearly in your posts that it sometimes catches my breath. It feels like no-one has articulated these things so clearly before. Thank you so very much, in many ways you help my heart live.x
" Clarity is worth the risk " That touches me deeply. I often find myself with friends, scared to bring up the glaringly obvious. Do I need to be right, do I demand my integrity in an eventually empty room? The longer I live, the more it comes up. As yet, I don't have the answer. We can only help each other, in the end. Community and connection, without external noise.x
I will have to come back to this over and over once I've started to process it. This piece is so important on so many levels and I am not sure if my tears can be interpreted as only grief, validation and gratitude.
I'm sharing this with my brother who is being the safe adult for our cousins child. It's hard.
This opened up an entire can of worms for me. I was a godmother at 14 years old. I was the mother’s sister’s best friend and the young mother’s teammate on a basketball team. Whew most of that experience mirrored my own. Then I became a mother and I got so much wrong because of my own trauma and so much right because of my own trauma. More than anything, being a mother, especially a single one was much harder than I thought when my attempts to do it right was met with so much rebuke. I felt like I was reading my own life. And I am guilty of ignoring friends who treated their children with contempt. What I was not guilty of was being a part of my teenage friends’ village. I loved where they couldnt. I worked to combat rejection and abandonment by being present. My best friend didnt want to be a teenage mother, she wanted to abort and her mother said, “no.” The result another traumatized little girl wondering why her mother couldn’t love her. There’s more, but I wanted to take a pause from my day and say. Brava! This brought healing to my soul.
Thank you for this essay, and for being such a fierce advocate for vulnerable people. As a new mother trying to unravel her own childhood trauma, thank you. As a child who felt unseen and gaslit growing up, thank you. I wish more people would question default parenting behavior - so much of it is unhelpful at best, and extremely harmful at its worst.
I didn’t feel like a good person when it happened. I didn’t feel like a good friend, or a good advocate.
I understand now that being the one who speaks up doesn’t come with a sense of relief. It doesn’t feel noble. Even if the parent remembers me years later when their child brings it up. Even if the child remembers that someone said something. That someone saw them and thought they were worth protecting.
We remember those people, don’t we? Even if they leave. Because their presence gave us a map. A reminder that we, too, can leave when we’re grown.
It took me a long time to process this. And even now, I haven’t said everything. But in sharing, I hope the mothers who want better for themselves and their children feel less alone. And for the friends I lost along the way, I’ve gained a few on here who read who hold me in their minds when their own trauma begins to seep through. As if I’m their friend. Watching. And I am.
It's already hard when it's a friend but when it's a family member... I'm staying in the relationship to be a witness for the kids. So their parent won't have the opportunity to gaslight them when they grow up and ask for accountability.
I stay in neither I do my best say my peace but spaces that aren’t good for my mental health demand my exit. I can be a witness from the outside staying in contact doesn’t help anyone I find it didn’t save me as a kid it destroyed the adults who stayed. One bad egg has a way of corrupting the others in the same box and normalising what shouldn’t be.
As a childfree school counselor with childhood trauma, I felt this. It was like the adults in the room that were supposed to protect these children decided not to because the child's parents were rich, because I didn't have children so didn't know what I was talking about, or because of politics. It is demoralizing and a huge reason I don't work with kids anymore. Not because of the kids, because of the parents and the other adults.
Kids matter immensely. For me this is the way forward. I must relate to kids differently with care & reverence if we want to create/nurture a better future. That means challenging ourselves to move beyond the environment our caregivers created for us, esp. When you grew up with emotionally unavailable and immature caregivers. I certainly see the importance of that with my niece and nephew...and having amazing women who have love their kids fiercely enough to create a better world for them than what they were given. It is inspiring. Thank you again for your allowing us to witness your process.
My heart goes out to you in your experience and thank you for your openness. You are doing a great service to all of us by offering a place to digest the ways we have been harmed and how we harm our babies. May we all learn how to heal!
Thank you for tackling this tender and difficult topic. I was an emotionally immature parent, barely navigating my own adulthood while raising a child. Today I am still repairing with my way grown son, and the process often leaves both of us in cleansing tears. I honestly can’t say for sure what I would have done if a friend had expressed to me what they saw as my problematic behavior. I felt so totally unsupported as a mother in those days, I think if I had been approached with kindness and a sense of care it would have sparked relief rather than defense, but that never happened. I do know I often felt like I was drowning in guilt for not knowing how to be a good mother. That sent me into therapy at age 21. Therapy back then was even more lacking than it is today. But to have had a friend who cared enough to try would have been a true blessing.
I am estranged with my mom after years of parenting her. Before that I asked her “if you had a friend like me would you have stepped up?” She looked at me and sad eyes said “even seeing how you are with your friends, I doubt I would have appreciated you or your help or listened”
Most honest thing she could have said to free me. It meant in the midst of trying to repair with her she most likely wouldn’t have been able to see me or ever will. I say this to say many wish for a mother that perhaps is like you accountable and participating in the healing journey.
Thank you for sharing with so much honesty. What you’ve described is the heart of what I hoped to hold space for, how many parents were navigating their own unmet needs while raising children. The fact that you’re still showing up, still repairing, still open that’s everything.
It means a lot to hear this from someone on the other side of the experience. And I truly believe that kind, honest witnessing if it can be offered safely can sometimes be the thing that breaks isolation, not trust. You put words to that beautifully. 🙏🏾🩷
This essay hits deep. Growing and regulating is so critical. It is still a constant growth aspect for me. Your articles often encourage me to continue becoming the best version of me. Thank you, Lovette.
I had to write it today after a conversation with a friend where step parents came up and I wonder why people date parents with kids and despise the kids. Then when we grow up think we don’t remember. And I know I remind my friends to be nice to step kids because I was that kid.
Then I asked myself why do I care about my friends being good parents and it all unfurled. Kids matter and no one knows this more than those of us who know how fragile they are. We love those little menaces. And we love our friends enough to want them to be their best versions or we wouldn’t say a word.
Yes! I feel this so much. And even as a parent of one child (I found out later in life that I’m AuDHD and my son also has ADHD) I’ve worked so hard to heal from my trauma and not pass it on to my kid. But seeing that in other parents that are my friends is so heartbreaking. I’m grateful for people like you that are a safe place for kids and I am speaking up and doing that too. Some of my friends are stepping up and healing and some are not, in my circle the hetero men tend to be the ones holding back the most from healing and I already see their kids pulling away from them. Anyway thanks for putting all of this into words! It’s so helpful.
Thank you for this and for doing the work while parenting. That’s no small thing.
I know how heavy it is to see the harm repeating around you, especially when you’ve fought so hard to break the cycle. Being a safe place for kids takes intention, and it’s clear you’re showing up with that.
And yes the pattern with hetero men not doing the healing? I see it too. I wrote about it in my essay “why married men expect everyone else to do their emotional labour” and their kids feel it, even if no one names it. I’m glad you’re naming it. I’m right there with you.
Lovette, do you have any books or memoir in English? I would love to read long forms of your work but noticed they’re in Swedish or geered towards that audience. And if not, those of us (me) would love to get lost in a book of yours!!!
Thank you so much that means a lot. I’m actually considering how to release some of my translated work soon. No memoirs yet my life is too long and layered for just one book. But I’m thinking deeply about the format, and your message is a gentle nudge in the right direction.
This one is good! I’ve had accountability talks with people and it’s always “you’re not a parent I’m not listening to you”. Yes I’m not a parent, but I was once a child who has a very broken relationship with my mother. Great post!
This 👏🏾 Exactly this.
Being a parent doesn’t cancel out the harm you’re repeating, it often magnifies it.
And those of us who were once the child in the room?
We remember.
We notice.
We’re not judging, we’re surviving.
Thank you for naming this. I see you.
Lovette, it is your writing I constantly seek, your writing that I save to read later. I recognise myself and others so clearly in your posts that it sometimes catches my breath. It feels like no-one has articulated these things so clearly before. Thank you so very much, in many ways you help my heart live.x
Thank you, truly. I don’t take that lightly.
I write these essays scared half the time.
Scared I’m saying too much. Scared I’ll be misread.
But then someone says this and it reminds me that clarity is worth the risk.
If it helps your heart live, then maybe it’s helping mine hold on too. x
" Clarity is worth the risk " That touches me deeply. I often find myself with friends, scared to bring up the glaringly obvious. Do I need to be right, do I demand my integrity in an eventually empty room? The longer I live, the more it comes up. As yet, I don't have the answer. We can only help each other, in the end. Community and connection, without external noise.x
I will have to come back to this over and over once I've started to process it. This piece is so important on so many levels and I am not sure if my tears can be interpreted as only grief, validation and gratitude.
Take all the time you need.
This piece came from a place I had to visit more than once myself.
Your tears hold truth, not just grief and I’m honored it met you where it did.
Come back whenever you need. I’ll be here. ✨