Neurodivergent grief doesn’t always arrive on schedule. In West Africa, it was never pathologized delayed mourning was held as communal wisdom. Lovette Jallow traces how ancestral frameworks honored autistic and ADHD emotions long before Western diagnoses.
I came across this piece at the just the right time. I recently found myself mourning my gamma. It’s been 14 years that she’s been gone and 14 years of denial from me. I was always terrible about calling her, so I survived on “I’ll call gamma tomorrow” for years. A few weeks ago, that lie no longer held me together. It actually felt good to release her.. but also lonely because I didn’t/don’t feel like I can share that experience with my family cuz they might now understand and I can’t handle that now.
This really resonated for me. Even though I didn't know I was autistic at the time, I didn't cry at my grandfather's funeral. I wrote and delivered his eulogy which (while of course, difficult) was easier for me at that time than it would've been for my openly grieving family members. I finally fully weeped maybe a month or two after the funeral.
Mine came in waves repeatedly disjointed I kept forgetting she was gone in moments I should have known and felt shame for my grief. She was my support in grief. Never judgemental now I am support for others non judgemental. My condolences for your Grampa 🌺 May his memory live on within you.
❤️❤️ Thank you for this- and also condolences for your loss! He’s been gone almost 10 years, but as you also say in this piece, it doesn’t really feel like that long to me. I still think about him every day, and he often shows up in my writing.
The concept of delayed grief, of the difference between "fine" and functioning, will roll around in my heart and mind for a good long while. The communities you describe sound so much healthier than anything I've experienced. Thank you for teaching me.
You've given me lots of food for thought. AGAIN! This is such an incredibly engrossing post.
"Not all bodies can break at the same moment. Someone had to keep the structure intact while the first wave fell apart."
Seeing each person's grief timeline variation as a necessity to enable a community to function, especially among those who are autistic, is such a profound perspective. I love how your work demonstrates the inclusive acknowledgement and welcome of differences in traditional African culture.
In America, the man currently leading the nation's Department of Health and Human Services speaks about autism like it's a scourge and a stain to be removed. He depicts it as a shortcoming and a maladaption that needs cure and prevention. He fails to understand, or learn, what your breadth of work shows: autism is one of many wonderful and needed variations of human existence, not an aberration. I continue to appreciate how your work shows the gifts our autistic brothers and sisters bring to humankind, and how much they deserve respect for enriching society at large with those unique gifts.
Grief is such a personal journey with no wrong way of experiencing it. At least this is my belief. What you wrote feels very organic and beautiful expressed. So relatable.
I came across this piece at the just the right time. I recently found myself mourning my gamma. It’s been 14 years that she’s been gone and 14 years of denial from me. I was always terrible about calling her, so I survived on “I’ll call gamma tomorrow” for years. A few weeks ago, that lie no longer held me together. It actually felt good to release her.. but also lonely because I didn’t/don’t feel like I can share that experience with my family cuz they might now understand and I can’t handle that now.
This really resonated for me. Even though I didn't know I was autistic at the time, I didn't cry at my grandfather's funeral. I wrote and delivered his eulogy which (while of course, difficult) was easier for me at that time than it would've been for my openly grieving family members. I finally fully weeped maybe a month or two after the funeral.
Your grief arrived later 💔 felt!
Mine came in waves repeatedly disjointed I kept forgetting she was gone in moments I should have known and felt shame for my grief. She was my support in grief. Never judgemental now I am support for others non judgemental. My condolences for your Grampa 🌺 May his memory live on within you.
❤️❤️ Thank you for this- and also condolences for your loss! He’s been gone almost 10 years, but as you also say in this piece, it doesn’t really feel like that long to me. I still think about him every day, and he often shows up in my writing.
The concept of delayed grief, of the difference between "fine" and functioning, will roll around in my heart and mind for a good long while. The communities you describe sound so much healthier than anything I've experienced. Thank you for teaching me.
You've given me lots of food for thought. AGAIN! This is such an incredibly engrossing post.
"Not all bodies can break at the same moment. Someone had to keep the structure intact while the first wave fell apart."
Seeing each person's grief timeline variation as a necessity to enable a community to function, especially among those who are autistic, is such a profound perspective. I love how your work demonstrates the inclusive acknowledgement and welcome of differences in traditional African culture.
In America, the man currently leading the nation's Department of Health and Human Services speaks about autism like it's a scourge and a stain to be removed. He depicts it as a shortcoming and a maladaption that needs cure and prevention. He fails to understand, or learn, what your breadth of work shows: autism is one of many wonderful and needed variations of human existence, not an aberration. I continue to appreciate how your work shows the gifts our autistic brothers and sisters bring to humankind, and how much they deserve respect for enriching society at large with those unique gifts.
Grief is such a personal journey with no wrong way of experiencing it. At least this is my belief. What you wrote feels very organic and beautiful expressed. So relatable.
Heavily relate to this not grieving correctly stuff
I used to judge myself alot but never again! I take it as it comes and let it wash over me and with good people who can support me when it matters 🫶🏾