How Netflix’s Adolescence Exposes the Incel Pipeline, and Why Fragile Men Can’t Lead Anyone Out of It.Adolescence shows us how male entitlement begins early and why the men who say they’re helping often just protect the system that raised them.
I just finished watching all of Adolescence. I was immediately curious as to your response to the program and was so pleased to see you had already absorbed it and shared so many clarifying thoughts.
I agree particularly with your commentary on the nature of the father and the behavior he expects from everyone in his sphere at all times, regardless of his emotional state. And how that informs his son‘s perception of the world and what he is owed from the world.
The show is so good that I wish that it could be shown as an educational program at all levels of schooling for children 11 years old and up , followed by conversations with educators students and parents to understand all that’s happening in this story.
Toxic masculinity and its female counterpoint , submissive femininity, need to be named and called out routinely until it is habit to do so. If we fail to do this, our world cannot become the place of beauty that I know it can be.
I soak everything in because I have to watch shows twice or thrice to understand the nuances. And this one for sure aligned with my analysis. Thank you for affirming 🫶🏾
I've just found your newsletter and I love it. Thank you putting into words exactly what Adolescence demonstrates & what I find myself talking about constantly in activist & feminist circles - the sheer breadth of the ways that fragile men will centre themselves & their 'victimhood' even while being the ones perpetrating harm. Also seen in the amount of media discourse about the 'male loneliness epidemic' somehow being about women not caring enough about male mental health - once again exempting men from taking responsibility for their lives.
Thank you so much I’m really glad the piece resonated with you. If you appreciated that one, I think you’ll really connect with my second-to-last essay on matriarchy. It speaks to precisely what you’ve noted: how Western frameworks misread power, care, and accountability and how the burden of emotional labor gets reframed as women’s failure, especially in relation to male fragility. Would love to hear your thoughts once you’ve read it. 🫶🏾❤️
You say a lot in here, I love. So what sticks out first is: "unwilling to name" -- in my own write up/analysis, I mention the father never fully acknowledges what happened. And even in the end when Jamie says he is changing his plea to guilty, the father says nothing and mom changes the subject. Refusing to name it is root, it's the avoidance in colonized men to see, to sit, to be with the pain of their violence and/or neglect (which is a form of violence).
I also agree and mentioned/believe there should have been one more ep. to highlight Katie through Jade's eyes. I wanted to know more about Jade, the Black girl in an all white school who said Katie was her only friend, and what they faced and what it took to stand up for themselves. In ep. 2 the detective mentions she hated how girls are so often sidelined in these stories. And while that may have been the point to drive home, it ached not to have an episode exploring it.
You missed the entire point. The story is about the murder of a Black girl, and the essay critiques how it took centering a white boy to get people to finally care. Your comment proves that even now, people still aren’t paying attention. And yes I clocked that antisemitic dog whistle too. Triple parentheses ((( ))) as you know since you used it are widely recognized as an antisemitic dog whistle used online to mark people believed to be Jewish. Try again and do better.
And that’s exactly why I’m a nine-time legacy-published author and you’re in my comments typing like you’ve done something. There’s only one mid person here, and it’s not the one whose work sparked enough heat to expose your projections. Thanks for confirming the point.
Thank you so much for unpacking and analysing these misogynist moves. I hate the way language gets abused to create a reality in which a woman with boundaries is the problem. But this kind of confident authoritarian reality-twisting works on me sometimes, it intimidates me! So your unmasking of the moves here is so helpful, thank you! But I’m also so sorry that it’s based in your experience, that you’ve had to go through this.
Fascinating, I haven’t watched Adolescence, and probably won’t, but find this piece helpful in grasping what the fear (from mothers of boys, particularly) is about. Thank you
Nailed it, every single point I absolutely agree with. I’m a single mom. The mainstream keeps harping on absent father homes and the resulting effects on boys. Most fathers who are present are creating environments that are effectively single mother homes because of their incompetence and entitlement. In addition, they undermine the mother (the parent who is doing all the work) and model devaluing women as men, so it makes it all the more difficult to actually parent boys. That doesn’t even begin to address societal influence either. I was able to break through the noise and I’m a proud parent, but it was so so difficult, especially at the pre-teen and teen years.
Your wisdom is hard earned and adds so much value. Imagine if this man (representative of everyone who thinks like this in this vignette) showed their appreciation, was respectful, actually listened to Black women, lost their pitiful egos and got out of the way for their skillful leadership. Our society would make so much progress in all areas - ethics, science, community.
My husband has asked when the point would be that I felt our society was truly equal. I’ve said jokingly that when Black women (I’m white btw) are afforded the same opportunity to be mediocre and half ass anything. Anything at all. This man benefits from your mind and labor. He will probably take what you’ve said here and repeat it while claiming it as his own insight. That’s exactly the type he is.
Okay, it’s really hard to me to believe someone really didn’t see (spoilers) Jamie’s obvious guilt from the first minutes of the first episode, but that’s, I guess, because I’ve been working with kids for years. Jamie’s crime is not at all—like most horrible things—unthinkable but unthought, despite how evident and prevalent it is. I profoundly disagree with your assessment of the father, and completely agree on the part about incels being nothing new, but culturally inherited. In any case, harassing you—no matter the performative civility—doesn’t seem constructive
Thank you for sharing your thoughts I appreciate you sharing them and definitely appreciate them shared in a manner where you can disagree and still not attack me personally. Thats becoming rare online these days.
The point of my essay wasn’t to argue whether Jamie’s guilt was visible to everyone but to explore why some and actually way too many people don’t see it, or refuse to, and what that says about collective conditioning. Many who work with children do pick up on these signs early. But many others don’t and that gap is worth examining, especially in systems where harm is routinely overlooked.
My assessment of the father was drawn from lived experience and narrative patterns I’ve seen mirrored in both fiction and real life data backed even when fathers are present but neglect to see whats in frobt of them. It’s okay to disagree, but my lens is shaped by more than just the plot it’s shaped by what happens when boys like Jamie are culturally protected, and what it costs the rest of us.
Glad we align on the inherited nature of incel culture. And yes harassment dressed up as civility is still always harassment. That part, I won’t entertain in my spaces ever. 🙏🏾
I used to teach in prisons way back when. A lot of the women who were incarcerated ended up on the freedom programme and they were studying the types of abusers, if I recall correctly they were using Lundy. And many came to me and said, quietly, that one of the main lecturers for it, who was male, showed up loud and clear as an abuser.
A LOT of men go into these roles for that reason, because they can perpetuate that control. They will dominate and they will try to abuse, and when, like Llewellyn here found out, they do not get what they want, they spiral, fast.
You are entirely right in everything you have said. I am sorry he is doing this.
Thank you for sharing this and it echoes what so many of us know but are still told to doubt. The performance of care becomes a mask, and positions of authority offer the perfect cover for control. What you witnessed in those prison settings is part of a much larger pattern: men who insert themselves into spaces meant for healing while refusing to do the work themselves.
That’s exactly what I saw in Llewellyn someone who mistook emotional language for accountability and logic, didn’t understand he was unwelcome as Authoritywas unwelcome despite many Blocks and then unraveled when asked to actually hold space instead of control it.
You naming this means a lot. And yes it’s heartbreaking, but not surprising. We have met these men many times, in families and workplaces. It won’t stand 🙏🏾✨
Yes and I will say it before a man comes in to declare it: women do it too. Not all, just as not all male lecturers are abusers, I had the honour of working with some truly stand up men who did their job perfectly. Some women seek the power as well, and they corrupt the system with it.
But the men, they are quite the different mould. You can challenge the women. I have done, often, and told them that their behaviour is not acceptable in a rehabilitation environment. They tend to go quiet. They might not change, but they do not do this.
Because here, he felt he had authority over you and therefore sought to be centred in the discussion as the expert.
The irony that he expected you to be both accountable and logical while being neither of those things himself. In fact he devolved into being an abuser before our eyes. No wonder he wants to silence you, virtually, certainly.
The conversation about violence and the inherent threat of violence that we ALL face in every single interaction in our world, should be talked about emotionally, I think. All this logic that we have in the world has not changed it. It's time to try something new.
We must name it. I applaud you for doing so.
We will keep naming it. So at the least, our young women who grow, know what it is. At least they will see it.
I appreciate the insights that you shared about Adolescence. I watched it and saw a lot of what you saw, but you went deeper. I love to watch women stand in their power, and you do not disappoint. Bold and breathtaking. 🎯
Thank you truly. It means a lot to hear that the piece resonated on that level. My friends joke that I say the silent parts out loud knowingly I guess I do that here too. The series holds so much under the surface, and I wanted to name what often goes unnamed, especially when the harm is quiet, credentialed, or framed as care.
I’m grateful you took the time to sit with it and I see your words as a reflection of your own depth too. 🙏🏾
I am late diagnosed Autistic woman (57 yo) and I have lived so much of what you wrote. I have found that the women who are confident and speak up are who I am always listening for. When I found you here, I didn't realize you were Autistic too, and I am not at all surprised that you gave me the vibe I watch for.
Your call out with full name and receipts is pure badass, and I look forward to reading more from you.
I appreciate your work so much & I am so sorry you have been dealing with that relentless incel. Never stop calling them out and giving the rest of us the language to do so as well. ❤️
Am here to stay they aim to intimidate and have the last word whilst trying to appear collected but we see through it all. And we don’t flinch and I am here to stay and have support from you all. Much love Emma 🩷✨
I hear the call for nuance but let’s not confuse “humans are complex” with erasing patterns shaped by power, history, and systems. Yes, people are dynamic. And also, race, gender, class, and neurotype are not abstractions they materially shape access, perception, and survival strategies.
Saying “we’re all just organisms responding to stress” flattens structural violence into biology. That’s not complexity, it’s avoidance. We can honor individuality and still recognize the patterned harm specific groups face. It’s both/and not either/or.
Until we reach a place of equity and equality, the utopia of “pure individuality” remains inaccessible for many. Even in science, we use categories like race, gender, and diagnosis not to reduce but to group, analyze, and intervene meaningfully.
You clearly have the ability to think critically you wrote all that in good faith. So I’ll just say: do better with that insight next time.
I just finished watching all of Adolescence. I was immediately curious as to your response to the program and was so pleased to see you had already absorbed it and shared so many clarifying thoughts.
I agree particularly with your commentary on the nature of the father and the behavior he expects from everyone in his sphere at all times, regardless of his emotional state. And how that informs his son‘s perception of the world and what he is owed from the world.
The show is so good that I wish that it could be shown as an educational program at all levels of schooling for children 11 years old and up , followed by conversations with educators students and parents to understand all that’s happening in this story.
Toxic masculinity and its female counterpoint , submissive femininity, need to be named and called out routinely until it is habit to do so. If we fail to do this, our world cannot become the place of beauty that I know it can be.
I soak everything in because I have to watch shows twice or thrice to understand the nuances. And this one for sure aligned with my analysis. Thank you for affirming 🫶🏾
I've just found your newsletter and I love it. Thank you putting into words exactly what Adolescence demonstrates & what I find myself talking about constantly in activist & feminist circles - the sheer breadth of the ways that fragile men will centre themselves & their 'victimhood' even while being the ones perpetrating harm. Also seen in the amount of media discourse about the 'male loneliness epidemic' somehow being about women not caring enough about male mental health - once again exempting men from taking responsibility for their lives.
Thank you so much I’m really glad the piece resonated with you. If you appreciated that one, I think you’ll really connect with my second-to-last essay on matriarchy. It speaks to precisely what you’ve noted: how Western frameworks misread power, care, and accountability and how the burden of emotional labor gets reframed as women’s failure, especially in relation to male fragility. Would love to hear your thoughts once you’ve read it. 🫶🏾❤️
You say a lot in here, I love. So what sticks out first is: "unwilling to name" -- in my own write up/analysis, I mention the father never fully acknowledges what happened. And even in the end when Jamie says he is changing his plea to guilty, the father says nothing and mom changes the subject. Refusing to name it is root, it's the avoidance in colonized men to see, to sit, to be with the pain of their violence and/or neglect (which is a form of violence).
I also agree and mentioned/believe there should have been one more ep. to highlight Katie through Jade's eyes. I wanted to know more about Jade, the Black girl in an all white school who said Katie was her only friend, and what they faced and what it took to stand up for themselves. In ep. 2 the detective mentions she hated how girls are so often sidelined in these stories. And while that may have been the point to drive home, it ached not to have an episode exploring it.
I love this take. I tried to write something similar but your article takes everything to a higher level. Thank you!
Idk if it’s just me but that actor doesn’t look like Axel Rudakubana 🤔 maybe the (((netflix))) execs are colorblind 🤭
You missed the entire point. The story is about the murder of a Black girl, and the essay critiques how it took centering a white boy to get people to finally care. Your comment proves that even now, people still aren’t paying attention. And yes I clocked that antisemitic dog whistle too. Triple parentheses ((( ))) as you know since you used it are widely recognized as an antisemitic dog whistle used online to mark people believed to be Jewish. Try again and do better.
And that’s exactly why I’m a nine-time legacy-published author and you’re in my comments typing like you’ve done something. There’s only one mid person here, and it’s not the one whose work sparked enough heat to expose your projections. Thanks for confirming the point.
Thank you so much for unpacking and analysing these misogynist moves. I hate the way language gets abused to create a reality in which a woman with boundaries is the problem. But this kind of confident authoritarian reality-twisting works on me sometimes, it intimidates me! So your unmasking of the moves here is so helpful, thank you! But I’m also so sorry that it’s based in your experience, that you’ve had to go through this.
Your commentary is like a vaccine eradicating serial gaslighting while bringing clarity to the gaslit. 🙏🏽
Exactly- well said
Fascinating, I haven’t watched Adolescence, and probably won’t, but find this piece helpful in grasping what the fear (from mothers of boys, particularly) is about. Thank you
Nailed it, every single point I absolutely agree with. I’m a single mom. The mainstream keeps harping on absent father homes and the resulting effects on boys. Most fathers who are present are creating environments that are effectively single mother homes because of their incompetence and entitlement. In addition, they undermine the mother (the parent who is doing all the work) and model devaluing women as men, so it makes it all the more difficult to actually parent boys. That doesn’t even begin to address societal influence either. I was able to break through the noise and I’m a proud parent, but it was so so difficult, especially at the pre-teen and teen years.
Your wisdom is hard earned and adds so much value. Imagine if this man (representative of everyone who thinks like this in this vignette) showed their appreciation, was respectful, actually listened to Black women, lost their pitiful egos and got out of the way for their skillful leadership. Our society would make so much progress in all areas - ethics, science, community.
My husband has asked when the point would be that I felt our society was truly equal. I’ve said jokingly that when Black women (I’m white btw) are afforded the same opportunity to be mediocre and half ass anything. Anything at all. This man benefits from your mind and labor. He will probably take what you’ve said here and repeat it while claiming it as his own insight. That’s exactly the type he is.
Thank you for sharing your work and your wisdom.
Okay, it’s really hard to me to believe someone really didn’t see (spoilers) Jamie’s obvious guilt from the first minutes of the first episode, but that’s, I guess, because I’ve been working with kids for years. Jamie’s crime is not at all—like most horrible things—unthinkable but unthought, despite how evident and prevalent it is. I profoundly disagree with your assessment of the father, and completely agree on the part about incels being nothing new, but culturally inherited. In any case, harassing you—no matter the performative civility—doesn’t seem constructive
I’ll probably weite a piece to make my thoughts clearer on this down the line, but I understand your point of view
Thank you Conde. Do share when you write your piece I am always looking to expand my views and read others points too. ✨
Thank you for sharing your thoughts I appreciate you sharing them and definitely appreciate them shared in a manner where you can disagree and still not attack me personally. Thats becoming rare online these days.
The point of my essay wasn’t to argue whether Jamie’s guilt was visible to everyone but to explore why some and actually way too many people don’t see it, or refuse to, and what that says about collective conditioning. Many who work with children do pick up on these signs early. But many others don’t and that gap is worth examining, especially in systems where harm is routinely overlooked.
My assessment of the father was drawn from lived experience and narrative patterns I’ve seen mirrored in both fiction and real life data backed even when fathers are present but neglect to see whats in frobt of them. It’s okay to disagree, but my lens is shaped by more than just the plot it’s shaped by what happens when boys like Jamie are culturally protected, and what it costs the rest of us.
Glad we align on the inherited nature of incel culture. And yes harassment dressed up as civility is still always harassment. That part, I won’t entertain in my spaces ever. 🙏🏾
I used to teach in prisons way back when. A lot of the women who were incarcerated ended up on the freedom programme and they were studying the types of abusers, if I recall correctly they were using Lundy. And many came to me and said, quietly, that one of the main lecturers for it, who was male, showed up loud and clear as an abuser.
A LOT of men go into these roles for that reason, because they can perpetuate that control. They will dominate and they will try to abuse, and when, like Llewellyn here found out, they do not get what they want, they spiral, fast.
You are entirely right in everything you have said. I am sorry he is doing this.
Thank you for sharing this and it echoes what so many of us know but are still told to doubt. The performance of care becomes a mask, and positions of authority offer the perfect cover for control. What you witnessed in those prison settings is part of a much larger pattern: men who insert themselves into spaces meant for healing while refusing to do the work themselves.
That’s exactly what I saw in Llewellyn someone who mistook emotional language for accountability and logic, didn’t understand he was unwelcome as Authoritywas unwelcome despite many Blocks and then unraveled when asked to actually hold space instead of control it.
You naming this means a lot. And yes it’s heartbreaking, but not surprising. We have met these men many times, in families and workplaces. It won’t stand 🙏🏾✨
Yes and I will say it before a man comes in to declare it: women do it too. Not all, just as not all male lecturers are abusers, I had the honour of working with some truly stand up men who did their job perfectly. Some women seek the power as well, and they corrupt the system with it.
But the men, they are quite the different mould. You can challenge the women. I have done, often, and told them that their behaviour is not acceptable in a rehabilitation environment. They tend to go quiet. They might not change, but they do not do this.
Because here, he felt he had authority over you and therefore sought to be centred in the discussion as the expert.
The irony that he expected you to be both accountable and logical while being neither of those things himself. In fact he devolved into being an abuser before our eyes. No wonder he wants to silence you, virtually, certainly.
The conversation about violence and the inherent threat of violence that we ALL face in every single interaction in our world, should be talked about emotionally, I think. All this logic that we have in the world has not changed it. It's time to try something new.
We must name it. I applaud you for doing so.
We will keep naming it. So at the least, our young women who grow, know what it is. At least they will see it.
I’ll dm you a snippet of my upcoming series. On women and the stats and how I have been navigating that. If you want. 🙏🏾
Yes please!
I appreciate the insights that you shared about Adolescence. I watched it and saw a lot of what you saw, but you went deeper. I love to watch women stand in their power, and you do not disappoint. Bold and breathtaking. 🎯
Thank you truly. It means a lot to hear that the piece resonated on that level. My friends joke that I say the silent parts out loud knowingly I guess I do that here too. The series holds so much under the surface, and I wanted to name what often goes unnamed, especially when the harm is quiet, credentialed, or framed as care.
I’m grateful you took the time to sit with it and I see your words as a reflection of your own depth too. 🙏🏾
I am late diagnosed Autistic woman (57 yo) and I have lived so much of what you wrote. I have found that the women who are confident and speak up are who I am always listening for. When I found you here, I didn't realize you were Autistic too, and I am not at all surprised that you gave me the vibe I watch for.
Your call out with full name and receipts is pure badass, and I look forward to reading more from you.
Stay safe❤️
I appreciate your work so much & I am so sorry you have been dealing with that relentless incel. Never stop calling them out and giving the rest of us the language to do so as well. ❤️
Am here to stay they aim to intimidate and have the last word whilst trying to appear collected but we see through it all. And we don’t flinch and I am here to stay and have support from you all. Much love Emma 🩷✨
I hear the call for nuance but let’s not confuse “humans are complex” with erasing patterns shaped by power, history, and systems. Yes, people are dynamic. And also, race, gender, class, and neurotype are not abstractions they materially shape access, perception, and survival strategies.
Saying “we’re all just organisms responding to stress” flattens structural violence into biology. That’s not complexity, it’s avoidance. We can honor individuality and still recognize the patterned harm specific groups face. It’s both/and not either/or.
Until we reach a place of equity and equality, the utopia of “pure individuality” remains inaccessible for many. Even in science, we use categories like race, gender, and diagnosis not to reduce but to group, analyze, and intervene meaningfully.
You clearly have the ability to think critically you wrote all that in good faith. So I’ll just say: do better with that insight next time.