What Gambian men call "culture" is often just gendered entitlement. Cooking is not a performance. Domestic labor is not a love language. And jokes about food aren't harmless when they target women’s unpaid work. This essay breaks down the line between hospitality and extraction.
I watched your cooking video and observed the joy in your face as you went about it. I sometimes cook a little and at times I like doing it. There's definitely gender role assumptions at play in those men's comments, but I also wonder if some saw your joyful smile and assumed that because you look happy while cooking, it doesn't feel like work to you. Whether in the mood or not, cooking is work and all work takes effort.
Women's labor is often, if not always, discounted or plain unvalued. As a man, I didn't appreciate all that my mom did until I was on my own and did it for myself, including cooking. I asked her to show me how to make a few of the things she cooked before moving into an apartment when attending college.
Before she taught me to cook, over the years we'd often talk at night and catch up. Usually it was while she cleaned and seasoned meat for an upcoming meal. Whenever I make something now, whether prepping or cooking, there's a bond between us that didn't exist before which lives and deepens through using those lessons, techniques and the choreography of pots and pans on a range top. All of that said, it's still effort, those men were out of order and you set them straight .
As a gambian, you putting into words of what i’ve found disturbing about some aspects of Teranga. It’s also the fact that it’s not reciprocal - men just take and take.
Thank you for writing this. I am learning many new things through your article including aboyt food and city.
This post of your resonates so well with me even though I am Indian. It felt as if you are describing the exact things which is done under the name of "Culture" in most desi including Indian households. Also, regarding the men. So so so true! It is same with the Indian men. Thank you for writing this. I think in some sense it has become important for me to notice that if BIPOC men are only into dating people who meet the eurocentric morals and values or do they have a mind of their own. Mostly it stems from the observation that most only fight the part of racism which impacts them. And men who are never secure in their own community and who do not question problematic structure under the name of culture or stand with BIPOC women and LGBTQIA group will never have solid foundation when it comes to equality, equity and love. After all love is intersectional.
Peanut Stew! I made it for the first time over this past winter and loved it so much. That video was wonderful, what a treat, thank you. Also we have similar thoughts on garlic! I had thoughts about your essay as well but food has a way of pushing all else out. I cook a lot and I love to do so but when people demand a plate, even innocently it is so off putting to me. Cooking is so much labor!!
Peanut stew really is one of those grounding, joy-filled dishes especially in winter. I’m glad the video brought some warmth! And yes, garlic solidarity I feel seen. I completely hear you on the labor of cooking. For me It’s care, memory, sensory work… not just a plate. When people bypass that to demand rather than receive, it strips the act of its intention. Thank you for sharing that it’s something I think about often too.
Eyyyy that last comment of you was fire!! It had me gasp in respect! Ah.
All that lacked was a drum roll after that. Boom!
You are so eloquent and may I say, walking your talk. So right.
Some men on dating sites think it’s sexy to ask me to cook for them on a first date. Are you kidding me? I delete them without reply. Nobody has time for another deadbeat open mouth only taking and taking. But I’m white so its different than what you are talking about. Just to say: some men just expect us (women) to mother them. I already have three soms and a dog. That’s enough.
Thank you! You had me grinning with that drum roll line what a compliment.
And yes, you’re absolutely right—there’s a wider pattern at play with how care is expected from women, often without reciprocity or recognition. I really respect your boundaries no one should have to perform domesticity as a “flirt.” It’s not romantic, it’s entitlement.
And naming the difference matters too. There’s a whole other layer when race and cultural expectation get added on. But shared resistance? That’s where it starts. You’ve got your hands full already with sons and a dog!
Thank you for taking the time to respond. Means a lot.
The weight of the cultural expectations and the things that were said to you, trying to shame you, were so painful to read.
But the way you demolished each and every comment, was inspiring. It was like they tried to dress you in a coat of mud, and you told them:”No, actually I’m quite okay in this cloak of gold”.
Self worth working as a shield. As the ozone layer. Amazing.
I watched your cooking video and observed the joy in your face as you went about it. I sometimes cook a little and at times I like doing it. There's definitely gender role assumptions at play in those men's comments, but I also wonder if some saw your joyful smile and assumed that because you look happy while cooking, it doesn't feel like work to you. Whether in the mood or not, cooking is work and all work takes effort.
Women's labor is often, if not always, discounted or plain unvalued. As a man, I didn't appreciate all that my mom did until I was on my own and did it for myself, including cooking. I asked her to show me how to make a few of the things she cooked before moving into an apartment when attending college.
Before she taught me to cook, over the years we'd often talk at night and catch up. Usually it was while she cleaned and seasoned meat for an upcoming meal. Whenever I make something now, whether prepping or cooking, there's a bond between us that didn't exist before which lives and deepens through using those lessons, techniques and the choreography of pots and pans on a range top. All of that said, it's still effort, those men were out of order and you set them straight .
As a gambian, you putting into words of what i’ve found disturbing about some aspects of Teranga. It’s also the fact that it’s not reciprocal - men just take and take.
Thank you for writing this. I am learning many new things through your article including aboyt food and city.
This post of your resonates so well with me even though I am Indian. It felt as if you are describing the exact things which is done under the name of "Culture" in most desi including Indian households. Also, regarding the men. So so so true! It is same with the Indian men. Thank you for writing this. I think in some sense it has become important for me to notice that if BIPOC men are only into dating people who meet the eurocentric morals and values or do they have a mind of their own. Mostly it stems from the observation that most only fight the part of racism which impacts them. And men who are never secure in their own community and who do not question problematic structure under the name of culture or stand with BIPOC women and LGBTQIA group will never have solid foundation when it comes to equality, equity and love. After all love is intersectional.
All of this. My son made dinner tonight for the second night in a row. He’s a sweet guy.
These dogs try to come in the yard with nothing to offer and take a place at the table like a king. No.
Peanut Stew! I made it for the first time over this past winter and loved it so much. That video was wonderful, what a treat, thank you. Also we have similar thoughts on garlic! I had thoughts about your essay as well but food has a way of pushing all else out. I cook a lot and I love to do so but when people demand a plate, even innocently it is so off putting to me. Cooking is so much labor!!
Peanut stew really is one of those grounding, joy-filled dishes especially in winter. I’m glad the video brought some warmth! And yes, garlic solidarity I feel seen. I completely hear you on the labor of cooking. For me It’s care, memory, sensory work… not just a plate. When people bypass that to demand rather than receive, it strips the act of its intention. Thank you for sharing that it’s something I think about often too.
Yes! To all that! My heart and soul go into food, cooking is an art form - it should be revered
Eyyyy that last comment of you was fire!! It had me gasp in respect! Ah.
All that lacked was a drum roll after that. Boom!
You are so eloquent and may I say, walking your talk. So right.
Some men on dating sites think it’s sexy to ask me to cook for them on a first date. Are you kidding me? I delete them without reply. Nobody has time for another deadbeat open mouth only taking and taking. But I’m white so its different than what you are talking about. Just to say: some men just expect us (women) to mother them. I already have three soms and a dog. That’s enough.
Thank you! You had me grinning with that drum roll line what a compliment.
And yes, you’re absolutely right—there’s a wider pattern at play with how care is expected from women, often without reciprocity or recognition. I really respect your boundaries no one should have to perform domesticity as a “flirt.” It’s not romantic, it’s entitlement.
And naming the difference matters too. There’s a whole other layer when race and cultural expectation get added on. But shared resistance? That’s where it starts. You’ve got your hands full already with sons and a dog!
Thank you for taking the time to respond. Means a lot.
The weight of the cultural expectations and the things that were said to you, trying to shame you, were so painful to read.
But the way you demolished each and every comment, was inspiring. It was like they tried to dress you in a coat of mud, and you told them:”No, actually I’m quite okay in this cloak of gold”.
Self worth working as a shield. As the ozone layer. Amazing.