Thank you for sharing your experience and your grandmother's wisdom. The section on neurodiverent (divergent from what?) people's struggle in relationships...that's me. I'm not keen on pathologizing (simply put, it's a tool and weapon of whyte supremacy and European ways of knowing), and I also think there's a value in having language and understanding for why and how some people work the way they do. It's not all or solely childhood trauma (which I think many people assume about me). I wish I had someone in my life who is that gentle holder/namer of my 4th face. I've learned intimate relationships for me are doomed without that. My current relationship is a casualty of me not choosing someone who has that capacity. All that to say, I'm currently on deck for an evaluation, and this essay gave me some solace today.🥹💜
Thank you so much for this thoughtful share. I really appreciate you opening up about where you are and what you’re navigating right now.
When I say neurodivergent, I don’t mean “abnormal” in any inherent sense. I mean diverging from the socially constructed norm of what’s expected or considered “standard” in a given society. It’s not pathology it’s simply recognizing the ways our wiring doesn’t align with the dominant design of systems, expectations, or relational scripts.
I absolutely agree that pathologizing difference is a tool of white supremacy and colonial ways of knowing. My work is not rooted in pathology but in neurodiversity frameworks and west African ones. At the same time, having language for these patterns can help us make sense of ourselves without shame, and communicate our needs better to those who can hold us gently.
I really hear you about wanting that gentle holder/namer of your 4th face. It’s such a precise way to say it. And I completely get how intimate relationships can falter without that mutual capacity and willingness.
I’m sending you so much respect and softness for where you are now, especially as you go into an evaluation. I hope it offers clarity you can use on your terms. Thank you for sharing this here. 💜
Thank you! Just to clarify, I don't think that what you do is pathologize nor did I mean to imply that you operate from that place. I would neva!! I've seen enough of your content to know better than think that. 😅 That was more a rhetorical aggregate statement about my issues with the en vogue pathologizing of every human response to life in the so-called west.❤️
Also, thanks for ALL you share. Your way of knowing and thinking resonates. ✊🏾
Ah, thank you so much for clarifying! My hyperlexia got the best of me I definitely read it way too fast! Hyperlexia beating my butt at first. 😅
I really appreciate you taking the time to explain, and I’m glad we’re on the same page.
And seriously, thank you for the kindness and for sharing your own reflections here. It means a lot to know my way of thinking resonates. Sending you warmth and solidarity. ❤️✊🏾
Girrrl same! I read early and voraciously too! Though no one ever checked if the books were reading me.💜 I've grown a bit though and really relish the slow(er) and more intentional learning I get from reading (like your essays), studying, and allowing the words to reach me rather than just seeing and comprehending the words. I deal with the same thang!🤝🏾😅
Haha my grandma is grinning somewhere 😂 when I read I let the words read me back but sometimes I respond to comments and the words don’t read me back. I assume I understood which is why I answer most comments in the bath 🛀 🤭 makes me take my time cos water is calming. 🫶🏾
"It's not that we don't care or lack empathy, it's how we process" 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
THANK YOU FOR THIS!
I struggle with social cues a lot, to the point where it's embarrassing.
I miss social cues that others seem to grasp so easily, and that's gotten me accused of selfishness, lacking empathy. People have resented me, and HATED me over what I wasn't even conscious of.
Being shamed like that makes it feel safer to avoid community, which isn't realistic.
But as your grandmother says:
We NEED people to point out our blind spots & that's why it's essential to have trusted people in our corners who do this.
I also love how you broke down our 4 hidden selves in African Philosophy.
🤯 Wow. Going back to re-listen and re-read. This is the first time I’m hearing some of these concepts, and it hit SO deeply and close to home for me. Thank you more than I can express. I’m thinking about my deep connection friendships I’ve made, some relatively “new,” and, in reflection on it now, ALL of them are so deeply values aligned… of course. And the ones that are lasting are those who are willing to work through our conflicts and communication differences, etc. Decolonizing, connecting, caring.. Again, thank you for shining your bright guiding light, helping us all to better see ✨.
This piece is full of deep wisdom, thank you. For so long I have wished for friends like these, who see and challenge me to grow as much as they offer comfort and distraction. It's only recently I realised that the best way to find those friends is to be that friend, to be braver at speaking truth in my relationships. Each small step into that space has been healing for me and is slowly helping me find those people. Your writing gives me fuel for continuing on this path.
We must be what we seek that way we attract it not chase. Was it Alice in wonderland a lovely quote resided where Alice was told she felt like less Alice? And when we feel less like us. Less true we don’t quite call our people we call less to us. So I stand in my truth to repel less because I want more Lovetteness. So be brave. Be you repel the rest.
As usual, this piece gave lots of food for thought. There's one phrase I hope you'll humor me and inform a bit more on. It was:
"Your morals don’t have to be identical, but your values can’t be at war."
I've often seen others use the words morals and values interchangeably, although I'd see them as complementary. I often think of values being the basis for one's morals. Is your meaning that your values should align, making it so your morals will likely be similar but not necessarily identical? Thanks in advance.
For us anyway I can’t speak objectively for everyone I can speak on my meaning here others may differ.
Values are kind of what I speak of when I speak on my/vommunity “core values” the priorities that guide me and us and our work at least my community. Things we agree on as fundamental like justice, how we hold honesty, what community building means and reciprocal giving and care. We d not negotiate on these core values. Because they determine and shape how we navigate the world and towards each other. Most likely why we picked each other.
Morals however are tricker because it is how we actually apply these values in specific situation. Our or my code of conduct based on the core values. It changes based on person and community.
So when I say “your morals don’t have to be identical, but your values can’t be at war,” I mean you don’t have to agree on every rule or choice, but you can’t have fundamentally opposing priorities.
And I wouldn’t trust someone who is opposing to be able to see me unfragmented and have my best interests at heart even if I listen to them. Because even the one that hates you has value to give you somehow.
Incredibly powerful words and message here. I am in a place of having to notice this for myself and others around me. It seems to be an extra challenge when you notice those who you can not trust are your own blood and who you are living with. And I am noticing my blind spots in this. Thank you I am really taking this in and will reread a couple of times and take in all that is written and unwritten between each sentence for me. Thank you for this share, for all you are in this world and at this time, and for standing in your power. Appreciate you and this work.
Yeah you can do the work yourself but it takes longer that’s why we say “you want to go far go with your people”. Because there’s only so much we can do alone even in healing. I work more with neurodivergent rap autistic and adhd to find and maintain community. Because we are nothing without it and the west is too individualist. And people are alone because they see others through a lense that isn’t conducive for relationships.
Thank you for this further insight and I agree. I see this more clearly in my life than ever as I have spent more time alone and the work has been a part harder and definitely more uncomfortable
Wow she sounds incredible. To be teaching that much to the future. I’m not sure I have this gift, hahaha 😝 but I agree stories and metaphors work better with kids and even adults. I like to think I can story tell a bit….😂 she had a gift your grandma.
Yeah, you can’t just tell kids straight up “this is an apple.” You have to talk to them in Aesop’s fables like my grandma did. By the time they think back on it, bam prefrontal cortex fully developed. Otherwise they forget everything.
I think that’s why my grandma always spoke in metaphors. I didn’t even catch 70% of her lessons until I was past 27. She must have been so sick of me. 😂 But honestly, I think that’s the neurodivergent way.
Thank you for sharing your experience and your grandmother's wisdom. The section on neurodiverent (divergent from what?) people's struggle in relationships...that's me. I'm not keen on pathologizing (simply put, it's a tool and weapon of whyte supremacy and European ways of knowing), and I also think there's a value in having language and understanding for why and how some people work the way they do. It's not all or solely childhood trauma (which I think many people assume about me). I wish I had someone in my life who is that gentle holder/namer of my 4th face. I've learned intimate relationships for me are doomed without that. My current relationship is a casualty of me not choosing someone who has that capacity. All that to say, I'm currently on deck for an evaluation, and this essay gave me some solace today.🥹💜
Thank you so much for this thoughtful share. I really appreciate you opening up about where you are and what you’re navigating right now.
When I say neurodivergent, I don’t mean “abnormal” in any inherent sense. I mean diverging from the socially constructed norm of what’s expected or considered “standard” in a given society. It’s not pathology it’s simply recognizing the ways our wiring doesn’t align with the dominant design of systems, expectations, or relational scripts.
I absolutely agree that pathologizing difference is a tool of white supremacy and colonial ways of knowing. My work is not rooted in pathology but in neurodiversity frameworks and west African ones. At the same time, having language for these patterns can help us make sense of ourselves without shame, and communicate our needs better to those who can hold us gently.
I really hear you about wanting that gentle holder/namer of your 4th face. It’s such a precise way to say it. And I completely get how intimate relationships can falter without that mutual capacity and willingness.
I’m sending you so much respect and softness for where you are now, especially as you go into an evaluation. I hope it offers clarity you can use on your terms. Thank you for sharing this here. 💜
https://lovettejallow.substack.com/p/neurodivergence-ancient-africa
Thank you! Just to clarify, I don't think that what you do is pathologize nor did I mean to imply that you operate from that place. I would neva!! I've seen enough of your content to know better than think that. 😅 That was more a rhetorical aggregate statement about my issues with the en vogue pathologizing of every human response to life in the so-called west.❤️
Also, thanks for ALL you share. Your way of knowing and thinking resonates. ✊🏾
Ah, thank you so much for clarifying! My hyperlexia got the best of me I definitely read it way too fast! Hyperlexia beating my butt at first. 😅
I really appreciate you taking the time to explain, and I’m glad we’re on the same page.
And seriously, thank you for the kindness and for sharing your own reflections here. It means a lot to know my way of thinking resonates. Sending you warmth and solidarity. ❤️✊🏾
Girrrl same! I read early and voraciously too! Though no one ever checked if the books were reading me.💜 I've grown a bit though and really relish the slow(er) and more intentional learning I get from reading (like your essays), studying, and allowing the words to reach me rather than just seeing and comprehending the words. I deal with the same thang!🤝🏾😅
Haha my grandma is grinning somewhere 😂 when I read I let the words read me back but sometimes I respond to comments and the words don’t read me back. I assume I understood which is why I answer most comments in the bath 🛀 🤭 makes me take my time cos water is calming. 🫶🏾
"It's not that we don't care or lack empathy, it's how we process" 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
THANK YOU FOR THIS!
I struggle with social cues a lot, to the point where it's embarrassing.
I miss social cues that others seem to grasp so easily, and that's gotten me accused of selfishness, lacking empathy. People have resented me, and HATED me over what I wasn't even conscious of.
Being shamed like that makes it feel safer to avoid community, which isn't realistic.
But as your grandmother says:
We NEED people to point out our blind spots & that's why it's essential to have trusted people in our corners who do this.
I also love how you broke down our 4 hidden selves in African Philosophy.
Such an eye opening read!
Oooh look at you reading my substack!
You see now why i get you and why my grandma raised me well. 😂
No wonder you seem to read my mind 🤣
“Your unacknowledged self will betray you.” My goodness this is so rich.
🤯 Wow. Going back to re-listen and re-read. This is the first time I’m hearing some of these concepts, and it hit SO deeply and close to home for me. Thank you more than I can express. I’m thinking about my deep connection friendships I’ve made, some relatively “new,” and, in reflection on it now, ALL of them are so deeply values aligned… of course. And the ones that are lasting are those who are willing to work through our conflicts and communication differences, etc. Decolonizing, connecting, caring.. Again, thank you for shining your bright guiding light, helping us all to better see ✨.
It was so comforting to read this.
“..only four people get to call me their friend.” Felt that deeply.
Let me write that one down for myself ✊🏾
I tell people in my essay on friendship with queer autistic women is not transactional that no one can designate themselves my friend until I do.
This piece is full of deep wisdom, thank you. For so long I have wished for friends like these, who see and challenge me to grow as much as they offer comfort and distraction. It's only recently I realised that the best way to find those friends is to be that friend, to be braver at speaking truth in my relationships. Each small step into that space has been healing for me and is slowly helping me find those people. Your writing gives me fuel for continuing on this path.
We must be what we seek that way we attract it not chase. Was it Alice in wonderland a lovely quote resided where Alice was told she felt like less Alice? And when we feel less like us. Less true we don’t quite call our people we call less to us. So I stand in my truth to repel less because I want more Lovetteness. So be brave. Be you repel the rest.
this was beautiful, illuminating, rich in storytelling nuance and care. thank you!
As usual, this piece gave lots of food for thought. There's one phrase I hope you'll humor me and inform a bit more on. It was:
"Your morals don’t have to be identical, but your values can’t be at war."
I've often seen others use the words morals and values interchangeably, although I'd see them as complementary. I often think of values being the basis for one's morals. Is your meaning that your values should align, making it so your morals will likely be similar but not necessarily identical? Thanks in advance.
For us anyway I can’t speak objectively for everyone I can speak on my meaning here others may differ.
Values are kind of what I speak of when I speak on my/vommunity “core values” the priorities that guide me and us and our work at least my community. Things we agree on as fundamental like justice, how we hold honesty, what community building means and reciprocal giving and care. We d not negotiate on these core values. Because they determine and shape how we navigate the world and towards each other. Most likely why we picked each other.
Morals however are tricker because it is how we actually apply these values in specific situation. Our or my code of conduct based on the core values. It changes based on person and community.
So when I say “your morals don’t have to be identical, but your values can’t be at war,” I mean you don’t have to agree on every rule or choice, but you can’t have fundamentally opposing priorities.
And I wouldn’t trust someone who is opposing to be able to see me unfragmented and have my best interests at heart even if I listen to them. Because even the one that hates you has value to give you somehow.
Thanks for this response. I appreciate you giving me more insight.
Incredibly powerful words and message here. I am in a place of having to notice this for myself and others around me. It seems to be an extra challenge when you notice those who you can not trust are your own blood and who you are living with. And I am noticing my blind spots in this. Thank you I am really taking this in and will reread a couple of times and take in all that is written and unwritten between each sentence for me. Thank you for this share, for all you are in this world and at this time, and for standing in your power. Appreciate you and this work.
Yeah you can do the work yourself but it takes longer that’s why we say “you want to go far go with your people”. Because there’s only so much we can do alone even in healing. I work more with neurodivergent rap autistic and adhd to find and maintain community. Because we are nothing without it and the west is too individualist. And people are alone because they see others through a lense that isn’t conducive for relationships.
Thank you for this further insight and I agree. I see this more clearly in my life than ever as I have spent more time alone and the work has been a part harder and definitely more uncomfortable
Reading this brought up a lot of emotion. Very potent. Gave me something to think about in regards to what I want to teach my 3 kids.
Wow she sounds incredible. To be teaching that much to the future. I’m not sure I have this gift, hahaha 😝 but I agree stories and metaphors work better with kids and even adults. I like to think I can story tell a bit….😂 she had a gift your grandma.
Yeah, you can’t just tell kids straight up “this is an apple.” You have to talk to them in Aesop’s fables like my grandma did. By the time they think back on it, bam prefrontal cortex fully developed. Otherwise they forget everything.
I think that’s why my grandma always spoke in metaphors. I didn’t even catch 70% of her lessons until I was past 27. She must have been so sick of me. 😂 But honestly, I think that’s the neurodivergent way.
Thank you so very much KA I appreciate you immensely ✨🩷