The Incel Mindset, Male Entitlement, and the Weaponization of Resentment. Men aren’t failing because of women—they’re failing because of patriarchy. But instead of dismantling the system that isolates them, they turn their anger on the very people they desire. Incels, entitlement, and the weaponization of male resentment—let’s talk about it.
This was a powerful and thought provoking piece. Often, I find myself hiding from -or "role playing"- the idea I have of masculinity and to be honest, the understood way of embodying masculinity makes me feel uncomfortable. It gets worse when both men and women become harsh critics based on what they too understand masculinity to be... I've coasted through my entire life "acting" as if I'm in charge and can take control when in reality, I am not. So yes, we do have a lot to catch up on (I think I should I speak for myself) because a lot what I know to be masculine has been more of a defense mechanism to protect my fragility from a patriarchal society that doesn't accept the tears of a man as readily as it does for women. I think we know that let the guard down is necessary, it just sucks having ones most innate thoughts used against them.
The world (the patriarchy) is not optimised for men either – if you looked more broadly at people poorer than you or of a different skin colour than you etc. you’d see that. It’s not optimised for most people. Patriarchy is built as a pyramid where most people, incl. most men, are at the bottom (take Russia as an example of an arch-patriarchy that uses most men as cannon fodder). Women shaming individual men for failing in this system isn’t really gonna help – underlining how the system screws everyone has a better chance of building broad support for change.
Tho of course taking this failure out on others is wrong, and the pecking order is set up in a way that it’s often taken out on women. But not only, and men also have a right to victimhood – acknowledging this victimhood rather than being blamed for being “losers” does far more to break male solidarity with the system.
Btw. I’m not saying the patriarchy hurts everyone in the same way or the same degree, but this old-school men-vs-women feminism that doesn’t take into account any other dimensions (class, race, dis/ability …) … why are we still doing this?
Also always kinda disappointed when I see women who probably see themselves as feminists reproducing sexist cliches, here basically “men, don’t be losers, be real men, toughen up!”
Great reflection and really vibes with something I wrote recently about Adolescence. Men failing each other but being devoted to blaming women instead of looking in the mirror. Men need feminism badly if we are to suffer less and love more. The whole world needs us to make this change. Thanks for your sharp analysis and thoughtful words.
That pattern of men failing each other while projecting the blame outward is such a core wound, and it’s rarely interrogated without deflecting toward women. You’re right: men need something maybe feminism not as a theory, as a reckoning with themselves, with each other, and with what they’ve been denied emotionally.
but I argue a different way of being completely which I have addressed in my matriachy essay to allow them their full range of humanity.
I’d love to read your piece on Adolescence too sounds like we’re circling similar truths.
Explains why so many young men went for Trump. He appeals to the grievance mentality, which has been stoked by misogynist influencers who profit off the frustrations and fears of young men, to their detriment. I really wish these young men would start listening to young women rather than blaming them.
The podcast bros and if you read my essay on adolescence i share an example if the behaviour of the therapists that claim to help these boys yet attack women online nonetheless.
This article and the others are incredibly informative and enlightening, and it’s clear that our society is not structured to hear and learn from women, especially black women and queer women. I read many of the things you say as opening a door to honest dialogue. The man who stalked you intentionally misunderstood and tried to reframe it. I’ve had conversations like these both in family context and the workplace, and you are right in saying it’s exhausting to carry the water for male entitlement. And many women reinforce it without thinking or maybe because they are afraid or brainwashed or both. 1/2
I wanted to share something I witnessed that reflects how some (many?) “traditional” families reinforce the stunted emotional growth of boys. My daughter and her wife are raising a son. A neighbor (straight, married, with several kids) observed my grandson reacting emotionally to something that upset him. She remarked in a joking tone that he was a “very sensitive little boy” and “you can tell he has two moms.” Instead of what wasn’t stated, but clear. He didn’t have a dad/man around to toughen him up. She has been very friendly and helpful, and seemingly accepting, and they were honestly surprised at the remark. I wasn’t. I think she does believe she is an open-minded person, but she has deeply engrained biases.
What is happen n his the biggest backlash towards women for men’s failure to evolve beyond their primitive brain. Women have been growing developing themselves and are moving on. This backlash is violent and dangerous to all who threaten white chis maga males.
I find parallels between incels and people struggling with addiction, in that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. You can only put up boundaries and distance to keep yourself safe. But that only deepens their isolation and exacerbates the whole problem. How does this cycle get broken??
These young white men who fail, or feel like they are failing, blame anything but themselves and their behavior. It's not just women, it's minorities and marginalized groups and politics they've been told to hate. It's other men who don't agree with them and it's ideas like empathy and cooperation and kindness and tolerance that they are honed to oppose. And there is an entire sect of propagandists entirely willing to exploit their angst and their isolation and their anger and give it a face and a reason. Any other face than the face of their real exploiters and any other reason than the cause their problems. They are being radicalized on purpose and turned against their own society for the benefit of a few evil men.
"If they can build entire incel communities out of resentment, they surely have the energy to engage with therapy, self-reflection, and unlearning."
My second ex-husband blamed me and discarded me, whilst engaging all his energy into his fight against the establishment. I'm not happy with world affairs, but I wanted to focus on what's important: relationship, life, kids. This made me the enemy: I worked hard to create an environment in which we could all heal and flourish. He went to therapy, but didn't do the work. Hurtful and tragic, and quite frankly, just plain stupid.
What worries me is that the patriarchy has dominated society to the point that many women have been seduced by the idea that to be ahead, they must punt on emotional intelligence themselves to show they are extra "tough" and "capable" in a man's world, like how the black overseer became the most cruel out of a desire to prove themselves.
The whole thing is certainly fucked haha it's an illogical way of regarding the world.
Misogyny dehumanizes women and men, and I feel sorry that many people buy the societal lie a human shouldn't have access to their full range of emotions, only certain ones, because they need to be "more masculine" or "more feminine"
The whole dating scene is just infected with rampant insecurity and ignorance as to what a healthy relationship looks like. I'm beginning to realize how many people have never really seen one or had one. Cause of how shallow and capitalistic our society is, for many people this has infected even things like love, with people looking at relationships as vehicles for profit rather than friendships and partnerships with which to do life.
Men don't realize the reason they can't talk to women is because they see them as a different species, tryna run game and shit. A woman is a human being, treat them like a human being, don't put them on a pedestal and objectify them, put them right beside you or in front of you or right next to you on the human scale and stop treating conversations like life tests.... Like, getting a woman to have sex with you is not a "conquest", it's meant to be a fun time between consenting adults. If you already insecure, you can get every chick in the world, you gon remain insecure.
My advice to men is stop performing for women. Cause all the fake shit gotta stop. Gain a real, healthy self esteem where you can freely express yourself without judging others or seeking outside validation from peers. Learn to feel your feelings and heed the information they give about the present moment. See what stimulus stirs deep feelings in you and explore, simply by observing your body and mind, the way your energy moves. Then realize no woman, no status can give you the peace you really desire....
Basically, if you want to attract women, start seeing them as humans, stop fearing them (because sexism and misogyny ultimately is a FEAR of women), and focus on building up your mental and physical health and beneficial personal development in order to increase your attractiveness by being the healthiest and most balanced version of yourself.
Then you'll be more prepared to navigate the dating world. Cause healed men! You're going to go through some BS too! But it's just life, you gotta accept that 🤷🏾♂️ people hold others to fairytale endings and dreams/fantasies they didn't sign up for, and sometimes we do it, or our partner does it. But it happens! But be patient and have faith because society done put men and women through a lot. Stop taking dating (and life) too seriously
You’re saying a lot of what people should be sitting with instead of reacting to. I’ve personally de-centered romantic love altogether. It’s not that I don’t believe in it it’s that I’ve stopped treating it as the core of human fulfillment. I center platonic love, reciprocity, and community. That’s where I’ve found the most depth and least performance.
Romantic dynamics, especially in this era, often mirror the same extraction, projection, and illusions people carry from unprocessed wounds. I’m not trying to build anything on that. So while I hear what you’re saying, I’m personally choosing a different foundation. Not out of avoidance, but clarity.
Thanks for your comment! it gave me something to reflect on too.
And thanks for writing your article! I think de centering dating as the end all be all to life is great and freeing fr. And when you focus on just having as many healthy relationships with as many people as you can, starting with yourself, then either your mate finds you or you just enjoy the gift of human connection outside what “tradition”aka prison walls, say human connection is about!
I don't really see the difference between platonic and romantic love really. Cause lasting healthy relationships are built on friendship before anything else. So isn't your romantic love built on platonic love if it's going to be full and healthy?
I get what you're saying and I'm pretty sure we agree but semantics lol
Cause the way you use “romantic” seems pretty specific. How do you define it?
I interpreted it as you are philosophically telling yourself that the type of dating we got pummeled with by mass media and propaganda is too dangerous/energy draining (which I guess is the definition of danger haha) to participate in, or am unrealistic representation of real human relationships and thus delineate between “romantic” and “platonic” as a form of psychological safety net so you can remain open to humanity but still closed off for protection. For energetic boundaries. Cause a lot of people don't want to get they hopes up no more….
Not speaking to you, but in general, many people have issues dating because they are looking for a mythical being and feeling they made up in their head lol even though I'm not picky, I've begun to realize the ways my expectations hold people hostage and don't allow them to show up in full because I'm judging them against a made up partner vs accepting and seeing if I'm deeply compatible with the real person right in front of me.
I do see a difference. Romantic love, as it exists in society, has been inflated, distorted, and centered in ways that make it fundamentally different from platonic love. Not just in form, but in function. It often comes with ownership scripts, power plays, performance, and a heightened sense of expectation because we’re taught it’s where ALL our fulfillment should land. I don’t come from a society that even finds just monogamy or marriage the ultimate concept so I find it hard to relate when people center love or lack of romantic love as reasons to be incels. It’s a symptom of a wider problem of dominance I covered in my latest and upcoming essays.
I don’t reject romantic love as a concept. I just no longer center it as the pinnacle of connection. For me, the depth I experience in friendship is clearer, less burdened by projection, and far more sustainable. I’m not creating a psychological safety net I’m choosing not to drain myself trying to meet cultural expectations that don’t align with how I want to live.
Again personally that doesn’t mean I’m closed it means I’m intentional about where I open, and why. 🙏🏾
I see what you're saying fasho. My thought is, people perform in all relationships, even the ones with themselves or their friends, or their family.
“romance”, the concept of ideal love between a man and a woman provided by us society is certainly some trash lmao. And especially the idea that romantic love is something we have to basically sell our souls for and once we secure it, it's “normal” to isolate yourself from others or your community. Or to stop doing the things that fulfilled you. Being imprisoned by ideas of what romantic love is supposed to look and feel like throttles our ability to feel love cause we thinking about it haha. We're trying to make love check society's boxes, so much so we can't even feel it when it's there.
I do think these hang ups on marriage is a societal power play, meant to put responsibility for survival on these family units, when wise people know the engaged community is key and picks up the slack when people lack resources, whether those be physical or emotional ones.
I respect you for taking care of yourself and glad to hear you are doing it from a place a joy rather than of fear! The same decision on the surface is different depending on the motivation so I was curious!
I appreciate you enlightening me about your perspective 🫡 thank you for writing!
Thank you for this insightful post. It’s capitalism, too, of course, that commodifies men and women, stripping them bare of all value but what they can generate in a market aimed at maximizing profit.
This was a powerful and thought provoking piece. Often, I find myself hiding from -or "role playing"- the idea I have of masculinity and to be honest, the understood way of embodying masculinity makes me feel uncomfortable. It gets worse when both men and women become harsh critics based on what they too understand masculinity to be... I've coasted through my entire life "acting" as if I'm in charge and can take control when in reality, I am not. So yes, we do have a lot to catch up on (I think I should I speak for myself) because a lot what I know to be masculine has been more of a defense mechanism to protect my fragility from a patriarchal society that doesn't accept the tears of a man as readily as it does for women. I think we know that let the guard down is necessary, it just sucks having ones most innate thoughts used against them.
1000000% to ALL of this.
The world (the patriarchy) is not optimised for men either – if you looked more broadly at people poorer than you or of a different skin colour than you etc. you’d see that. It’s not optimised for most people. Patriarchy is built as a pyramid where most people, incl. most men, are at the bottom (take Russia as an example of an arch-patriarchy that uses most men as cannon fodder). Women shaming individual men for failing in this system isn’t really gonna help – underlining how the system screws everyone has a better chance of building broad support for change.
Tho of course taking this failure out on others is wrong, and the pecking order is set up in a way that it’s often taken out on women. But not only, and men also have a right to victimhood – acknowledging this victimhood rather than being blamed for being “losers” does far more to break male solidarity with the system.
Btw. I’m not saying the patriarchy hurts everyone in the same way or the same degree, but this old-school men-vs-women feminism that doesn’t take into account any other dimensions (class, race, dis/ability …) … why are we still doing this?
Also always kinda disappointed when I see women who probably see themselves as feminists reproducing sexist cliches, here basically “men, don’t be losers, be real men, toughen up!”
You might want to read my Gynarchy and matriachy posts. I won’t respond to the rest the truths and facts are evident . Thank you
I started to, after reading The Myth of Normal; then even more so as I near 120 pages into this book.
which inspired these lines
“you your zenith
indigenous universal
embraced empathy”
Patriarchy would rather
throttle that “into
places to concentrate”
https://joepoulton.substack.com/p/circular-humanity
The photo of the other book didn’t post. It played like it did. “Restoring the Kinship Worldview” https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/690771/restoring-the-kinship-worldview-by-wahinkpe-topa-four-arrows/
Great reflection and really vibes with something I wrote recently about Adolescence. Men failing each other but being devoted to blaming women instead of looking in the mirror. Men need feminism badly if we are to suffer less and love more. The whole world needs us to make this change. Thanks for your sharp analysis and thoughtful words.
That pattern of men failing each other while projecting the blame outward is such a core wound, and it’s rarely interrogated without deflecting toward women. You’re right: men need something maybe feminism not as a theory, as a reckoning with themselves, with each other, and with what they’ve been denied emotionally.
but I argue a different way of being completely which I have addressed in my matriachy essay to allow them their full range of humanity.
I’d love to read your piece on Adolescence too sounds like we’re circling similar truths.
Okay, I love this, I look forward to reading your matriarchy essay
Here is the former but released another today. https://open.substack.com/pub/lovettejallow/p/matriarchy-not-patriarchy?r=jtli9&utm_medium=ios
Awesome, I'll read them both. I agree we are circling shared territory and it's great to read such thoughtful content on the topic.
Of course the headline cuts off in the preview but we all instinctively know
It did i see the whole text always on phone and computer
Excellent piece btw
Thank you so much! 🫶🏾
Might just be my tiny phone! ;)
Explains why so many young men went for Trump. He appeals to the grievance mentality, which has been stoked by misogynist influencers who profit off the frustrations and fears of young men, to their detriment. I really wish these young men would start listening to young women rather than blaming them.
The podcast bros and if you read my essay on adolescence i share an example if the behaviour of the therapists that claim to help these boys yet attack women online nonetheless.
Its astonishing but also telling.
I’d like to read that essay.
https://open.substack.com/pub/lovettejallow/p/adolescence-fragile-men-violence?r=jtli9&utm_medium=ios
This article and the others are incredibly informative and enlightening, and it’s clear that our society is not structured to hear and learn from women, especially black women and queer women. I read many of the things you say as opening a door to honest dialogue. The man who stalked you intentionally misunderstood and tried to reframe it. I’ve had conversations like these both in family context and the workplace, and you are right in saying it’s exhausting to carry the water for male entitlement. And many women reinforce it without thinking or maybe because they are afraid or brainwashed or both. 1/2
I wanted to share something I witnessed that reflects how some (many?) “traditional” families reinforce the stunted emotional growth of boys. My daughter and her wife are raising a son. A neighbor (straight, married, with several kids) observed my grandson reacting emotionally to something that upset him. She remarked in a joking tone that he was a “very sensitive little boy” and “you can tell he has two moms.” Instead of what wasn’t stated, but clear. He didn’t have a dad/man around to toughen him up. She has been very friendly and helpful, and seemingly accepting, and they were honestly surprised at the remark. I wasn’t. I think she does believe she is an open-minded person, but she has deeply engrained biases.
Really great read. It’s like white men who created the very country they are now destroying and blaming it on others.
Truth! 😡
What is happen n his the biggest backlash towards women for men’s failure to evolve beyond their primitive brain. Women have been growing developing themselves and are moving on. This backlash is violent and dangerous to all who threaten white chis maga males.
I find parallels between incels and people struggling with addiction, in that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. You can only put up boundaries and distance to keep yourself safe. But that only deepens their isolation and exacerbates the whole problem. How does this cycle get broken??
These young white men who fail, or feel like they are failing, blame anything but themselves and their behavior. It's not just women, it's minorities and marginalized groups and politics they've been told to hate. It's other men who don't agree with them and it's ideas like empathy and cooperation and kindness and tolerance that they are honed to oppose. And there is an entire sect of propagandists entirely willing to exploit their angst and their isolation and their anger and give it a face and a reason. Any other face than the face of their real exploiters and any other reason than the cause their problems. They are being radicalized on purpose and turned against their own society for the benefit of a few evil men.
I can only agree 💯
"If they can build entire incel communities out of resentment, they surely have the energy to engage with therapy, self-reflection, and unlearning."
My second ex-husband blamed me and discarded me, whilst engaging all his energy into his fight against the establishment. I'm not happy with world affairs, but I wanted to focus on what's important: relationship, life, kids. This made me the enemy: I worked hard to create an environment in which we could all heal and flourish. He went to therapy, but didn't do the work. Hurtful and tragic, and quite frankly, just plain stupid.
What worries me is that the patriarchy has dominated society to the point that many women have been seduced by the idea that to be ahead, they must punt on emotional intelligence themselves to show they are extra "tough" and "capable" in a man's world, like how the black overseer became the most cruel out of a desire to prove themselves.
The whole thing is certainly fucked haha it's an illogical way of regarding the world.
Misogyny dehumanizes women and men, and I feel sorry that many people buy the societal lie a human shouldn't have access to their full range of emotions, only certain ones, because they need to be "more masculine" or "more feminine"
The whole dating scene is just infected with rampant insecurity and ignorance as to what a healthy relationship looks like. I'm beginning to realize how many people have never really seen one or had one. Cause of how shallow and capitalistic our society is, for many people this has infected even things like love, with people looking at relationships as vehicles for profit rather than friendships and partnerships with which to do life.
Men don't realize the reason they can't talk to women is because they see them as a different species, tryna run game and shit. A woman is a human being, treat them like a human being, don't put them on a pedestal and objectify them, put them right beside you or in front of you or right next to you on the human scale and stop treating conversations like life tests.... Like, getting a woman to have sex with you is not a "conquest", it's meant to be a fun time between consenting adults. If you already insecure, you can get every chick in the world, you gon remain insecure.
My advice to men is stop performing for women. Cause all the fake shit gotta stop. Gain a real, healthy self esteem where you can freely express yourself without judging others or seeking outside validation from peers. Learn to feel your feelings and heed the information they give about the present moment. See what stimulus stirs deep feelings in you and explore, simply by observing your body and mind, the way your energy moves. Then realize no woman, no status can give you the peace you really desire....
Basically, if you want to attract women, start seeing them as humans, stop fearing them (because sexism and misogyny ultimately is a FEAR of women), and focus on building up your mental and physical health and beneficial personal development in order to increase your attractiveness by being the healthiest and most balanced version of yourself.
Then you'll be more prepared to navigate the dating world. Cause healed men! You're going to go through some BS too! But it's just life, you gotta accept that 🤷🏾♂️ people hold others to fairytale endings and dreams/fantasies they didn't sign up for, and sometimes we do it, or our partner does it. But it happens! But be patient and have faith because society done put men and women through a lot. Stop taking dating (and life) too seriously
Damn, that was a long one.
You’re saying a lot of what people should be sitting with instead of reacting to. I’ve personally de-centered romantic love altogether. It’s not that I don’t believe in it it’s that I’ve stopped treating it as the core of human fulfillment. I center platonic love, reciprocity, and community. That’s where I’ve found the most depth and least performance.
Romantic dynamics, especially in this era, often mirror the same extraction, projection, and illusions people carry from unprocessed wounds. I’m not trying to build anything on that. So while I hear what you’re saying, I’m personally choosing a different foundation. Not out of avoidance, but clarity.
Thanks for your comment! it gave me something to reflect on too.
And thanks for writing your article! I think de centering dating as the end all be all to life is great and freeing fr. And when you focus on just having as many healthy relationships with as many people as you can, starting with yourself, then either your mate finds you or you just enjoy the gift of human connection outside what “tradition”aka prison walls, say human connection is about!
I don't really see the difference between platonic and romantic love really. Cause lasting healthy relationships are built on friendship before anything else. So isn't your romantic love built on platonic love if it's going to be full and healthy?
I get what you're saying and I'm pretty sure we agree but semantics lol
Cause the way you use “romantic” seems pretty specific. How do you define it?
I interpreted it as you are philosophically telling yourself that the type of dating we got pummeled with by mass media and propaganda is too dangerous/energy draining (which I guess is the definition of danger haha) to participate in, or am unrealistic representation of real human relationships and thus delineate between “romantic” and “platonic” as a form of psychological safety net so you can remain open to humanity but still closed off for protection. For energetic boundaries. Cause a lot of people don't want to get they hopes up no more….
Not speaking to you, but in general, many people have issues dating because they are looking for a mythical being and feeling they made up in their head lol even though I'm not picky, I've begun to realize the ways my expectations hold people hostage and don't allow them to show up in full because I'm judging them against a made up partner vs accepting and seeing if I'm deeply compatible with the real person right in front of me.
I do see a difference. Romantic love, as it exists in society, has been inflated, distorted, and centered in ways that make it fundamentally different from platonic love. Not just in form, but in function. It often comes with ownership scripts, power plays, performance, and a heightened sense of expectation because we’re taught it’s where ALL our fulfillment should land. I don’t come from a society that even finds just monogamy or marriage the ultimate concept so I find it hard to relate when people center love or lack of romantic love as reasons to be incels. It’s a symptom of a wider problem of dominance I covered in my latest and upcoming essays.
I don’t reject romantic love as a concept. I just no longer center it as the pinnacle of connection. For me, the depth I experience in friendship is clearer, less burdened by projection, and far more sustainable. I’m not creating a psychological safety net I’m choosing not to drain myself trying to meet cultural expectations that don’t align with how I want to live.
Again personally that doesn’t mean I’m closed it means I’m intentional about where I open, and why. 🙏🏾
I see what you're saying fasho. My thought is, people perform in all relationships, even the ones with themselves or their friends, or their family.
“romance”, the concept of ideal love between a man and a woman provided by us society is certainly some trash lmao. And especially the idea that romantic love is something we have to basically sell our souls for and once we secure it, it's “normal” to isolate yourself from others or your community. Or to stop doing the things that fulfilled you. Being imprisoned by ideas of what romantic love is supposed to look and feel like throttles our ability to feel love cause we thinking about it haha. We're trying to make love check society's boxes, so much so we can't even feel it when it's there.
I do think these hang ups on marriage is a societal power play, meant to put responsibility for survival on these family units, when wise people know the engaged community is key and picks up the slack when people lack resources, whether those be physical or emotional ones.
I respect you for taking care of yourself and glad to hear you are doing it from a place a joy rather than of fear! The same decision on the surface is different depending on the motivation so I was curious!
I appreciate you enlightening me about your perspective 🫡 thank you for writing!
THIS. I KEEP SAYING THIS.
Thank you for this insightful post. It’s capitalism, too, of course, that commodifies men and women, stripping them bare of all value but what they can generate in a market aimed at maximizing profit.