WHEW, I screamed reading this: "I’m no longer interested in being someone’s bridge to accountability if they’re only crossing it to be seen, not to stay." thank you for articulating in words exactly how I feel.
Hi! My name is Arianna Martina and I am the author-creator of Bigvalleyblue, a blog I created on behalf of my passion for writing, social, environmental and political activism.
I feature all kinds of artists, creatives -- you name it, on my blog and I would love to feature any of the creatives in this chat! It would mean so much to be able to showcase your work and your thought-process on my page!
If you are interested you can contact me through this email @arianna.martina22@gmail.com OR DM me here, through Substack.
Wow, what an incredibly refreshing read!! "Naming a rupture doesn’t ruin a relationship. It reveals whether there was one at all." is such an important sentiment
People don’t deserve a second chance or to work or figure things out some relationship are just meant to end. It really depends on the individual your mental health,peace of mind Your happiness setting boundaries. Some people are not just meant for you. This person might be good for someone else, but might be bad for you
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Just to clarify the piece is actually about how to repair in cases where you do identify there’s something to repair and want to do that work. I also wrote at the end that I trust myself to know when a relationship isn’t meant to be repaired at all.
I think you’re right that not every connection is worth keeping, but this essay was more about the process for the ones that are.
Read the title OK I know I understand but I just gave my opinion and I’m not done reading the essay yet but yes, I agree with you. Thank you so much. It’s helpful. it’s draining when it’s not 50-50. Only one person is put in 100% effort to make it work. It’s end up being a waste of time.
"It looks like naming the specific behavior without justifying it. Letting the other person respond, not just receive. Acknowledging you don’t get to decide the consequence. Offering amends, not just sentiment.
Most of all, repair doesn’t assume reconnection. It doesn’t expect to be welcomed back. It doesn’t require forgiveness. It doesn’t collapse if the other person says, “Thank you, and no.”
It asks: Can I be responsible for what I broke without needing you to give me closure in return?"
"People who never learned how to repair don’t just struggle with conflict, they sabotage the conditions required for closeness. What they call boundaries is often just emotional avoidance with polished branding.
In adult relationships, this is emotional avoidance called maturity, passive aggression called taking space, and hoping time will erase the damage. And most commonly, limerence, where obsession replaces reflection, and the story of what might have been becomes more important than what actually was."
What a skillfully and thoughtfully laid out essay on the challenges of conflict and emotional regulation. As someone who is also a lawyer who has spent her career in conflict resolution in different areas of law, your words deeply resonate with my own professional and personal experiences. And still, at least where I live, we don't have any standardized curriculum around teaching informal or formal conflict resolution or healthy relationship practices in schools (and then wonder why we have so many societal challenges around conflict)!
This is an excellent piece, Lovette!!! Thank you so much for sharing. Truly, you are so special and touching and changing so many lives with your work. Bless you!
This is probably my most important read of the year. I cannot thank you enough for this piece.
“Repair starts with you learning to hold your own discomfort so the people you love don’t have to carry it for you.”
reminded me of
“A boundary without a consequence is just a preference.”
and the idea that if either you apologize or expect the other person to apologize in its setting, then that's actually just manipulation
This is amazing. Thank you so much!
this is soooo helpful. thank you for putting this into words
Thank you for such a thoughtfully written piece.
WHEW, I screamed reading this: "I’m no longer interested in being someone’s bridge to accountability if they’re only crossing it to be seen, not to stay." thank you for articulating in words exactly how I feel.
Hi! My name is Arianna Martina and I am the author-creator of Bigvalleyblue, a blog I created on behalf of my passion for writing, social, environmental and political activism.
I feature all kinds of artists, creatives -- you name it, on my blog and I would love to feature any of the creatives in this chat! It would mean so much to be able to showcase your work and your thought-process on my page!
If you are interested you can contact me through this email @arianna.martina22@gmail.com OR DM me here, through Substack.
Thank you. I hope to hear from you or someone!
Listening first to the voiceover, this quote has stuck with me… “Real community repair needs truth— not performance”. Thank you for this article. 💚
I've been looking for this exact set of words, thank you.
Wow, what an incredibly refreshing read!! "Naming a rupture doesn’t ruin a relationship. It reveals whether there was one at all." is such an important sentiment
Loving the cover art!!
People don’t deserve a second chance or to work or figure things out some relationship are just meant to end. It really depends on the individual your mental health,peace of mind Your happiness setting boundaries. Some people are not just meant for you. This person might be good for someone else, but might be bad for you
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Just to clarify the piece is actually about how to repair in cases where you do identify there’s something to repair and want to do that work. I also wrote at the end that I trust myself to know when a relationship isn’t meant to be repaired at all.
I think you’re right that not every connection is worth keeping, but this essay was more about the process for the ones that are.
Read the title OK I know I understand but I just gave my opinion and I’m not done reading the essay yet but yes, I agree with you. Thank you so much. It’s helpful. it’s draining when it’s not 50-50. Only one person is put in 100% effort to make it work. It’s end up being a waste of time.
Wow. A read I will share with my loved ones. Thank you
Favourite lines:
"It looks like naming the specific behavior without justifying it. Letting the other person respond, not just receive. Acknowledging you don’t get to decide the consequence. Offering amends, not just sentiment.
Most of all, repair doesn’t assume reconnection. It doesn’t expect to be welcomed back. It doesn’t require forgiveness. It doesn’t collapse if the other person says, “Thank you, and no.”
It asks: Can I be responsible for what I broke without needing you to give me closure in return?"
"People who never learned how to repair don’t just struggle with conflict, they sabotage the conditions required for closeness. What they call boundaries is often just emotional avoidance with polished branding.
In adult relationships, this is emotional avoidance called maturity, passive aggression called taking space, and hoping time will erase the damage. And most commonly, limerence, where obsession replaces reflection, and the story of what might have been becomes more important than what actually was."
What a skillfully and thoughtfully laid out essay on the challenges of conflict and emotional regulation. As someone who is also a lawyer who has spent her career in conflict resolution in different areas of law, your words deeply resonate with my own professional and personal experiences. And still, at least where I live, we don't have any standardized curriculum around teaching informal or formal conflict resolution or healthy relationship practices in schools (and then wonder why we have so many societal challenges around conflict)!
Grateful to have found your work!
Beautiful!
This is an excellent piece, Lovette!!! Thank you so much for sharing. Truly, you are so special and touching and changing so many lives with your work. Bless you!