Sometimes That Crush Is Emotional Safety - Not Love
What happens when you catch feelings not for a person, but for the rare feeling of stillness they bring?
When a Crush Feels Like Safety
There’s a kind of crush that doesn’t begin with flirting, banter, or shared interest.
It begins with stillness. With someone who doesn’t reach for you. Doesn’t pull on you. Doesn’t study you with hungry eyes or try to make a performance out of closeness.
They’re just… there. Grounded. Self-contained.
Maybe even emotionally reserved in a way that would’ve once repelled you. But now, after so much surveillance, expectation, and psychic labor, it feels like relief.
And then suddenly, you realize: you’re thinking about them too much.
Not because they’ve done anything. But because they haven’t.
Because they’ve become a symbol. Of safety. Of steadiness. Of what you never get to be around without being responsible for it.
I don’t think I’m projecting a love story.
I think I’m responding to recognition.
To the shock of being near someone who studies what I live, embody it, write it but didn’t try to co-opt it. Someone whose presence let my nervous system rest and my imagination run wild.
Sometimes a crush isn’t about desire. It’s about grief. For the people you wish existed more often. For the versions of yourself you’d be if relationships felt less like labor and more like relief.
And yes, maybe I’m still a little physically attracted to them.
Not the gender. Not the fantasy. Just… them.
Whatever this is, I’ll let it sit. Not for acting on. Not for fixing. Just for noticing.
Being the Mirror: When You’re the One People Project Onto
Here’s the other layer: I know how people see me. They read the books I’ve written.
They attach to the clarity in my language. They project intimacy because I make them feel understood, even when I’m just breathing.
They see the trauma, the healing, the intellect, the language, the leadership and they romanticize it.
I’ve spent years being someone’s emotional awakening, idealized teacher, or symbol of strength they wish they had. And most of the time, I keep my distance.
Because I’ve learned what happens when people fall in love with the idea of me—and not the cost of being me.
So yes, it’s ironic.
Now I’m the one sitting here, thinking too much about someone who probably doesn’t think about me at all.
Not because I don’t matter. But because they didn’t place me on a pedestal.
They didn’t study me or extract from me or expect me to fix their understanding of themselves.
They just existed alongside me with stillness, intellect, and quiet boundaries. Maybe that’s why it landed so hard.
Because I’m not used to being near someone who feels familiar without wanting anything from me. And that familiarity? That safety?
It’s what people say they feel around me all the time.
I get it now.
Desire Without Narrative: Holding Attraction Without Collapse
The hardest part of this isn’t the crush.
It’s how quiet it is. How unspectacular. There’s no pining, no dramatic obsession, no desperate urge to act. Just a steady hum in my chest.
A mental return to their voice, their calm, their smile that didn’t ask for anything. And maybe I’m not supposed to do anything with this. Maybe this isn’t a story of pursuit or rejection. Maybe it’s a signal. A reminder that my body is still responsive.
That attraction can be gentle. That longing doesn’t have to be chaos. That I can feel magnetism without collapsing into it or making it a mission. I don’t need to repress it. I also don’t need to romanticize it.
I’m allowed to feel a quiet ache for someone who represents what I want more of: Stillness. Integrity. Containment. Purpose. I’ll let my body feel that.
Then I’ll return to myself.
Closing Reflection
I’m still thinking about them, sometimes. But now I know: it wasn’t really about them.
It was about finally feeling what I often feeling what I often give: calm, clarity, space—and realizing how much I want that, not just from others, but around me.
Maybe attraction is sometimes just the body saying:
“Remember this. More of this.”
Explore More from The Lovette Jallow Perspective
You can find more of my essays exploring:
Neurodivergence, autism, and navigating public life as a Black woman
Building true inclusion beyond checkbox diversity
Reclaiming voice and agency across personal, political, and historical landscapes
Racism in Sweden and systemic injustice
Each essay connects real-world experience with structural analysis—equipping individuals and institutions to think deeper, act smarter, and build sustainable change.
If This Resonates
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Who is Lovette Jallow?
Lovette Jallow is one of Scandinavia’s most influential voices on systemic racism, intersectional justice, and human rights. She is a nine-time award-winning author, keynote speaker, lecturer, and humanitarian specializing in:
Neurodiversity and workplace inclusion
Structural policy reform
Anti-racism education and systemic change
As one of the few Black, queer, autistic, ADHD, and Muslim women working at the intersection of human rights, structural accountability, and corporate transformation, Lovette offers a uniquely authoritative perspective rooted in lived experience and professional expertise.
Her work bridges theory, research, and action—guiding institutions to move beyond performative diversity efforts and toward sustainable structural change.
Lovette has worked across Sweden, The Gambia, Libya, and Lebanon—tackling institutional racism, legal discrimination, and refugee protection. Her expertise has been sought by outlets like The New York Times and by leading humanitarian organizations addressing racial justice, policy reform, and intersectional equity.
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Omg you are in my head! I remember when I couldn't label a feeling like this, I thought the constant returning to their voice, the stillness was I sabotaged what could have been a life long friendship. I knew it wasn't romantic but I didn't know what it was.
“There’s no pining, no dramatic obsession, no desperate urge to act. Just a steady hum in my chest.”
This is a type of connection I would love to have more of in my life. Thank you for bringing recognition to a feeling that is often overlooked or undervalued, or wouldn’t count as “real” to many people.
I recently came across the concept for the first time of a relationship being “good for the nervous system”, and I’m really glad I now have this wording and framing. I hope to let those words serve as a guide for me as I move through life and relate to people, and help me recognize and value the type of feeling you describe.